10 FAQ's I am sick of Answering (Video 1)

Pride – Being Afraid to Look like a (cisgender) Straight Girl

Probably the most eye-opening and ridiculous thing that happened this pride was yesterday, when I became seriously concerned that I looked like a straight girl. My worry was that I looked too much like a regular girl, rather than a queer one. I had jumped past worrying if people thought I was a trans or cis girl and was on a whole different level. On the BART Saturday (on our way to dyke march), my (complicated, non-monogamous) girlfriend Rach and I overheard these two queer girls complaining about how rainbow tutus actually identify you as a straight girl, rather than a gay one (at Pride, many of the queer people just dress like normal/queer people [which believe it or not doesn’t always include ridiculous rainbow outfits]…it’s generally the straight people who wear all of the cheap ridiculous rainbow outfits that you can buy at pride). Rach, who was wearing a rainbow bustle that day was somewhat offended by this comment (after all, she is queer) and we discussed it for the next day or two. Essentially, Rach has a very “everyone should just do whatever makes you happy” belief. I try to always have that mindset and I managed to maintain it through Saturday.

However, yesterday (the main pride day) was probably at least 50-60% populated with straight and cisgender people just there for fun, while Trans March (Friday) and Dyke March (Saturday) both were probably more than 75% populated with queer/trans people (and/or allies who were actively fighting for the cause). Through Saturday, I had felt so comfortable and happy seeing all of these people. I found my family! My people. I wasn’t alone. In fact, for that group, even with my homemade rainbow fur vest, I blended in so well! It was amazing. I loved it.

But then yesterday, there were enormous crowds, many of which were largely filled with people who don’t at all identify as LGBTQIA etc. or even as allies. There were too many unfriendly/ignorant stares and comments for that entire crowd to be filled with (decently educated) allies. But for once, I’m not trying to criticize these people. Unless they go (back?) to gay-bashing today, who knows, maybe they learned a little and enjoyed a little bit of queerness. Good for them!

My concern for not wanting to be seen as a straight girl wasn’t because I thought it was bad to be straight. In fact, I didn’t really care about the non-queer peeps much. I just wanted the other queer people (particular queer women and trans people of any age) to know I was one of them. I wanted my family (LGBT people) to know that I was an insider, rather than a once-a-year queer. I wanted to be proud and ridiculous, but I felt like I was balancing two different identities. For a long time after coming out, I felt that being trans was first and foremost my best identifier and being a queer lady was a secondary one. But as I meet more and more queer women, many (if not most) of which are actually way more masculine that me, it seems so silly for “trans” to be a qualifier/identifier in every situation. After all (for a few reasons), I have way more lesbian than trans friends (and no, those categories are not mutually exclusive), so it makes sense that I find myself more concerned with the thoughts of people in that group who are now starting to define me (in a new, awesome way).

I kept wanting to buy rainbow stuff. After all, in regular life, one or two rainbow items are a great identifier for queer people. However, during pride, too many rainbows is actually an identifier of non-queer people who want to celebrate (or parody) queerness, but aren’t in-tune enough or comfortable enough with the real LGBT community to know how to present as queer without a (figuratively) black-and-white color pattern. So, after I had planned ahead with a few items, bought a few more, took off my vest (I started the day with just a bra, my lace vest, and my uber-queer demin jacket), and inherited Rach’s emergency rainbow tutu, I realized that I looked way more like all of the straight girls there than like any of my (queer) friends.

It’s all about a sense of belonging. After all, day-to-day (not in the Bay Area) being queer is often something that makes you not belong in a place. I wanted to experience as much belonging as I could and it was frustrating that I fell into this ironic and hilarious trap of trying to look too queer that I actually ended up looking neither trans nor queer. That realization alone however made the struggle entirely worth it!

P.S. I don’t really like the well-accepted trans flag (light blue, white, and pink), because it makes so much less sense to me than the alternative trans symbol where pink fades to blue (through purple), plus I like the fashion of rainbows better…hence my wardrobe choices. Happy Pride Everyone!

Quick Mid-May Life Update

I’ve now been in Oakland for just over two weeks and holy crap has it been crazy. With the exception of one, maybe two nights, I’ve been out doing social things every single night. Like essentially all the time I used to use reading, I now get to spend with friends. Once result of this is that it is way easier to build great friendships really quickly. I’ve met a number of people here, about a dozen of which I might call friends, but I’ve found maybe two best friends…

I’ve mentioned L before. She’s a queer archaeologist who I met at QAIG and who lives in Oakland. She’s pretty “masculine of center” as she likes to call herself. She’s got me playing softball…in an all-women league!!! Which is super awesome. And no, my “bigger muscles” (which are quickly going away from hormones) do not really give me much of an advantage. She also takes me to all of the lesbian/queer dance parties, which is SUPER awesome, haha. In fact, tonight we are going to one of the big regular queer girl parties in San Francisco. I am so excited! I am slowly feeling more and more comfortable identifying as a woman and as a lesbian and much of that is because of L. She listens to all of my crap and she listens closely and really thinks about it. In many ways, L has been a huge hub of me also meeting other friends. I could not thank her enough and I cannot imagine my time here without her!

My other best friend here, S, is a little older (just over 30), but doesn’t at all look it. She is married, but both her and her husband are incredibly social. S struggles with a lot of the same mental/emotional stuff as me and even though we are in very different places in life and are very different in that respect, our brains work in much the same way and after just hanging out once, we seemed to have a very intimate connection…it’s actually almost weird how quickly we attached to each other. S is decently feminine, so she is SO great to go shopping with and talk about/do all of the stereotypical “girly” things that I have missed from my life growing up as a guy. Actually, I am meeting S tonight to hang out with her before the party (she is Bi and is coming too!). Just the second night we hung out (a week ago!), she really showed that she cared about me. And when it happened, it struck me how crappy grad school can be for developing really deep friendships (not that it doesn’t happen)…after all, you have SO much time and effort that you HAVE to spend on school and not yourself…much less on friends. I also do have a tiny crush on S, but I legitimately have a crush on a few of my friends here, haha. I’ve mostly been meeting women here and along with my crappy compartmentalization right now, the line between platonic and romantic feelings has been blurred beyond recognition. Which is weird. But because I have a few crushes right now, it is pretty easy to not let any of them (well maybe one) get too strong.

I got a sewing machine and have already started altering clothes to help save me money. I got this awesome denim jacket for 80% off at banana republic, but it doesn’t have any pockets! So I put some in today :-) It looks the tiniest bit jenky, but that’s not atypical for my stuff, haha.

Overall, I’ve been finding that I want to identify closer and closer to being just a trans-woman (rather than something in between). Just the other day, I went to a fabric store with L, and I presented somewhat masculine (but not as a guy…just with a button-up, guy vest, and no wig) and after being called “he” and “sir,” I literally got dizzy. My gender dysphoria seriously kicked in and I just want to change and be identified as “she/’her.” And now, whenever I go out socially, I always want to first meet them as femme as possible. It’s too early to really understand it, but I have a feeling that my increasing femininity was always there, but was harder to access surrounded by so many people who knew guy-me. Here I get a fresh start.

Obviously life is complicated and there is other stuff going on, but these seemed like all of the important points to understanding where I am in life now. :-)

The Almost-Impossible Task of Calling For Help, Part of Why I am/was Suicidal: Part 1

Super-Corny Life Soundtrack Suggestion: Breakeven-The Script

This post is kind of difficult to write, but it’s been on my mind a lot, so it seemed worth putting out there. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for most of my life, I always imagined that as long as you have friends and family (or any real kind of support network), all you have to do when you need help is to ask for it. I wouldn’t say that I was entirely wrong, but holy shit, it is nowhere near that simple…

If you’ve kept up with my posts, you know that I am (or at least I was) dealing with suicidal thoughts. Well, suicidal thoughts are really just the final straw (right?! I mean if you go that route, suicidal thoughts seem like they would be pretty near the end of that path). There are a million things that happened that helped bring me to that place. I don’t feel ready to discuss most of them, so I need you to trust me; I have dealt with a lot of rough shit, both internally and with other people, since I started transitioning. It’s been a very bumpy ride. I’ve needed (and gotten!) SO much help. But often I end up getting that help a little late and not quite in the way I need, because actually calling for help is really difficult. It kind of feels like you are drowning in a pool and your friends are 5 feet away from you, standing on the side, but they can’t hear or see a single bit of your struggle until you use every single last bit of energy to make a blood-curdling scream, which they hear…but just barely.

The first, and probably largest obstacle is that you begin to doubt yourself and whether you actually need help. Right now, I am not stable. I have mood swings, some of which can send me into an awful depression. I freak out about tiny things. Some big things somehow don’t bother me. I don’t even vaguely know what’s going with myself. I can’t predict my thoughts, emotions, and the scariest of all, sometimes my actions. So…I don’t trust myself. If I get into a non-academic disagreement with a friend, before we even hash out all of the arguments, I just assume they are right and I am wrong. It’s actually incredibly strange to so quickly dismiss your own thoughts and beliefs, because you know there is a good chance you’ll end up disagreeing with yourself in just an hour or so, but it seems like the most logical thing to do.

A closely related issue is that because I don’t trust myself, combined with huge gender-related personality changes and slow psychological effects of HRT (I think), I don’t really get angry anymore. I just beat myself up. If a friend does something that would make most people angry, I kind of just take it and assume that I did something to deserve it. I actually do like the way I relate with people more now than before. I don’t fight. No one really gets mad at me. I’m not making any enemies…and I’m not further pushing away friends I’ve already pushed away. But over time, all the beating myself up left (and leaves) bruises and I just got exhausted. Because I had school and always had a deadline in front of me to make me stress out and people around to distract me (not always in positive ways), I was able to bury my pain and exhaustion and push on like the good soldier I was trying to be. But then…last quarter ended. Spring Break started. No more deadlines. Everyone left town. No more people to distract me. It was just me. And everything that’s happened. What do I even do from there?

That’s when I started my very quick drop into depression and self-loathing that brought me to first call out for help. One day, I kind of spiraled. A million thoughts rushed through my head. I couldn’t stop them. Most of them were pretty negative. I couldn’t stop crying. I had actually been about to start an appointment with my therapist, when she accidentally popped the balloon of shittiness that had been slowly and then quickly inflating over quite some time. I literally ran out crying with only one memorable thought: “I just want to go to my room. I’ll feel safe there.” So I drove home (not a great decision). The thoughts just kept coming and I just wanted them to stop. I wanted to stop thinking. I couldn’t take it anymore. And the irony is that this barrage of thoughts essentially made it so I couldn’t think. I could just freak out.

So if I can’t trust myself and my thoughts, if I start to freak out, what the fuck do I do with that? In an hour, I might be fine. On the other hand, I could be spiraling out of control all day…all week. But even if I do spiral out of control for a week, do I actually need help or am I somehow psyching myself out and convincing myself there is something wrong with me? I don’t trust myself, so it almost seems more likely that I am freaking out over nothing.

Then, I of course get afraid of becoming the girl who called wolf, for two reasons actually. First, if I am fine and am just driving myself crazy, if I go to my friends with this, specifically saying that I really need help, A. what will they think of me? And B. what if I actually do need their help in the future? Second, even if I am actually having real problems, who is to say that this is anywhere near the last or worst of them? I’ve never been in this place before. How bad does it get? How could I possibly know how that feels, even if I reach that point?! After all, it could always get worse. So if I go to friends now, what will happen? Will they just get fed up with me? Will it make it less likely they will help me in the future if and when I need even more help?

I’ve brought up this issue before and across the board, almost everyone has said something to the effect of “Well if they are real friends, it doesn’t matter…they will be there and they will want to be there for you in that situation, even if you aren’t sure what is going on.” In fact, on the older side, prior to coming out, I absolutely would (and probably did) say the exact same thing. The problem is…it’s never that simple. We don’t live in vacuums where friends just sit in their houses unless you are hanging out with them (I have met people who seem to believe this is the case, but it doesn’t seem to make it any more true). People have lives, and in the case of my friends, they have the exact same type of awfully stressful lives as I do. So I can’t blame them if they need to take care of themselves and their work.

Also, we can define the word “friend” however we want, but what advice-givers tend to forget is that there are a bunch of different types of friends. Do you have a friend who is incredibly fun to hang out with, but you probably wouldn’t want to have a deep life talk with them? Or even you might, but they wouldn’t want to have a deep life talk with you? You probably do. Most of us do. Are those people somehow then not friends? No. Not every friend will be your closest confidant.

So then is it possible to have a number of close friends, but not actually one who is willing/able to help in the way that you need? Fuck yes it is. That being said, I wasn’t in that position. But I had this awful anxiety that I already had pushed so many people away (generally by being uber-selfish as I struggled during the early stages of my transition)…or that I might push people away in the future, that I was almost paralyzed by anxiety. You definitely should recognize that I do have amazing support from my close friends…They have put up with so much from me and each been there…but in their own way. Plus I know that of I was majorly injured or something, they would make sure I got to the hospital.

However, I did push away one friend with a cry for help. ..

And here is where you might get to step a little into the mind of an unstable transitioning transgender 20-something…

With absolutely no intention of doing so, in an early cry for help, I accidentally pushed one of my friends away. I of course apologized a dozen times, but because my self-confidence is so low right now that I apologize non-stop, I fear that my apologies are (somehow) less meaningful. It sucks. But I pulled one of her triggers and she realized that being around me was a negative impact on her (oh god, the irony…) Then when I more explicitly called out again for help, this friend wasn’t there. Something very similar happened with another friend (I was not too proud to call [or text] multiple people). I pushed her away by unloading about myself too much and then she didn’t want to/feel comfortable coming to my aid (at least I think). Honestly, I’m still really confused about what happened, but when I was in the worst of it, I didn’t understand her point of view much at all. After I put out my (vague) call for help and she didn’t answer (positively), in desperation, I specifically told them about my suicidal feelings. But then (me still not seeing what they were going through), they still didn’t answer. And let me tell you, when you tell two people (who are two of your closer confidants) that you are suicidal, and they don’t even give you an “I’d miss you,” it feels kinda shitty :-(

These events had two huge effects. First, not only were these friends (I think) fed up with me, but whenever I thought about them, I could not help but remind myself “They would not care if you killed yourself.” And generally, starting about three days after I first told them I was suicidal, I would burst into tears multiple times per day thinking about it.. Eventually, that thought would lead into “If two of your closest friends wouldn’t care if you died, other people definitely wouldn’t!” Remember, I’m not stable right now. The second effect was that just seeing these friends tore me apart inside. I would physically feel my heart drop in my chest and all of my self-doubts would flood into my head. It was bad. So, I learned to avoid them. However, when people are in your department/circle of friends, such a task is pretty difficult. So…I either left social situations when they showed up, or I stayed and just tried to fight against the flood of thoughts and feelings swirling in my head.

If you couldn’t tell, another huge issue I am having right now is that I have somehow lost my ability to compartmentalize. That is a-whole-nother discussion. But regardless, “just not thinking about it,” just did not work anymore, no matter how many friends who told me I just had to try harder.

Ok, I need to stop the story here. A lot more stuff happened, both in Santa Barbara, and here in the Bay Area, but a lot of it is so recent, yet far enough away that I am no longer distressed about it (and don’t need to write about it), so I don’t have much perspective right now and need to wait a little. I will end with three points though.

1.Skipping to the end…If you are suicidal or in a similar situation to this, go to your friends, sure, but they should NOT be your first nor your only call. CALL A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL or A SUICIDE HOTLINE. Friends may mean the absolutely best, but only about 25% of people (in my experience) have enough empathy or their own experience to actually help you. If you call out to one of the 75% of people who don’t understand, it may end up making things WAY worse. Call. A. Professional.

2. I was kind of hard on some of my friends. But right now, I honestly feel very lucky to have the friends I do. In fact, the ones who I got particularly hurt by in this post are the same ones who have been there for me a million times before. They are definitely friends and they are definitely good friends…They may just not be the right kind of friend to help in certain situations.

Oh…Plus I am uber biased. Don’t listen to me. I don’t even listen to myself! Haha

3.I know I talked about some rough stuff. But I am honestly good right now. I’ve met one seriously AMAZING friend here in the Bay Area and am slowly making other ones. I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel stressed. Things are going to get better. And I am going to be ok :-)

Hormones, Suicide, True Friends, and Queer Archaeologists

At this point, enough people in my life know about these two things, so it feels safe to post them online. First, I started HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) around 3 months ago. I take estrogen, progesterone, and two testosterone blockers every day. It was a very complex decision, but I don’t regret it for a moment. I did and am doing the right thing. I’ll try to talk more about it in a future post (there are a bunch of things I want to address but can’t here/now). But in the meantime, if you are interested, you can totally google HRT to understand the process I am beginning.

The other thing is that for about three weeks now, I’ve been seriously thinking about (really more feeling) serious suicidal thoughts. I know you probably want me to talk more about this, but I don’t want to talk/think about it too much today (sometimes you just need to avoid suicidal thoughts altogether). But don’t worry, I won’t do anything. I am ok. And I want to talk about one of those reasons.

But first I need to mention how incredibly supportive EVERYONE has been in my life. I’ve reached out to a few people and all (well, most) of them reached out right back. I can’t thank all of you enough. One example is a few nights ago at our big archaeology conference, eight of my friends called me into their hotel room to have intervention, tell me they love me, tell me how worried they are, and make me call a trained counselor that night. Lots of people have done so many things and I do feel incredibly loved and appreciated. Thank you :-)

The thing I want to tell you about is meeting people through the Queer Archaeology Interest Group (QAIG) at the conference. I must have met about 30 queer people and after I opened up about some of my struggles in one of the panels, they introduced themselves, reached out, and told me that they, these strangers, really care about and want to help me. Between talking at the conference and going out for drinks last night, there are about 25 people who I now feel comfortable around, around half of which I now would actively identify as friends.

I kind of don’t even know where to start, but holy crap, I feel about a million times less alone than I did before…and even what loneliness I do still have (much of which is related to being one of only a handful of trans people in the field) is tempered by the knowledge that there is actually a large group of people who can totally recognize me and my struggles and truly want to help.

On Saturday night, a number of the QAIG members went to a number of the queer bars and clubs in San Francisco to go drinking and dancing. It. Was. Amazing. It was surreal. And I totally felt accepted. For a number of rather complex reasons, I presented pretty femme most of my time at the conference and while out dancing with the QAIG, for the first time ever, I felt entirely comfortable being and acting feminine and I didn’t feel like I was doing any imitating. I was just being me. If anyone in QAIG ever reads this, I just want to say thank you. I no longer feel alone. And that is no small thing. For the first time ever, I don’t feel like a weird outsider in both queer and non-queer settings. I have a place. I am totally queer and I don’t think anyone would dispute that, haha. There will be rough times in the future, but overall, things are looking up. :-)

Our Country's F'd up Treatment (or lack thereof) of Drugs

This country is WAY more interested in preventing illegal drug use than it is in providing proper mental health treatment for it's citizens. And the utter irony is that the vast majority of illegal (not weed) drug users have significant mental issues (be it schizophrenia or anxiety or ADHD) and can't or don't know that they should be receiving treatment.

As many of you know, I have been having a rough time lately (but don't worry, I'm alright). I am currently being treated for a number of psychological issues, about half of which were only recognizable after I came out. I take three different drugs prescribed by my psychiatrist. I have been on all three of over a year now, and began taking the first about three years ago. While these drugs don't fix a single thing, they really do help from experiencing some of the awful side affects of anxiety and gender dysphoria. They basically just help me stay stable, particularly when combined with proper self-care and therapy. One of these (very helpful) drugs is a schedule II narcotic. What that means is that my psychiatrist cannot prescribe me more than one month's worth at a time. Not only that, but she can't prescribe it electronically or over the phone like you can with almost anything else. She has to physically print it out and sign it...even if I am taking it the 100 ft to the on-campus pharmacy. For obviously reasons, if I am out of town, keeping myself properly stocked can be particularly difficult. I ran out of this drug on thursday and my psychiatrist literally overnighted me an Rx. Well, not a single one of the pharmacies around here stock the exact caplet size that she prescribed. I explained that it was an emergency and would be willing to even take a slightly lower dose each day if I could just get some to get me the three days back to when I go back to Santa Barbara. They couldn't. So I'm just doing without. Which I can. But its definitely kinda hard. I have a psychiatrist who is desperately trying to treat my very well-document psychological disorders and no matter what we do, I can't get the meds I need because of government regulations. After stressfully dealing with this today, a friend recommended someone who could get me almost any Rx drug, including the one I need. I don't think I am going to take him up on it, but if I wasn't going back to SB in a few days, I would. So, I, a person who has been (repeatedly) prescribed a legal drug to treat a legitimate problem may end up supporting the illegal drug trade in order to actually get access to the meds I was prescribed. This system is fucked up.

Deer In the Headlights

Probably NSFW or conservative relatives

I spend a lot of time thinking about Love. As I write that, I realize that either everyone else does too or I totally just sound like an angsty teenager. But enh, I am going through a whole new puberty and self-rediscovery...I think I should get to indulge some of my immature guilty pleasures. But anyways, it used to be so simple. I liked girls. I was physically attracted to them. I enjoyed being around them. And I fell in "love" (infatuation) at the drop of a hat. I was not at all intellectually/emotionally attracted to men (as more than friends) and it was therefore pretty darn easy to suppress any physical attractions I had to men.

But since coming out, I've seen zero reason not to explore that attraction. Therefore I've tried. I've done a decent amount of experimenting with men. Admittedly, (as a trans girl), I am dealing with a very limited sample, but...I am just not attracted to men. Period. Oh I am attracted to males, but I am so un-attracted to cultural men and masculinity. Once, a guy took me on a date. He was pretty explicit up front that he hoped we'd sleep together later in the night, and while that did throw me off a little, it didn't matter, because I found him super physically attractive. The bar we were at kind of sucked so we went back to his place. He seemed really smart and while I had a handful of bad feelings, he was attractive enough (and I hadn't been with anyone for a while) that all he had to do was kiss me and there would no longer be any question. But instead, he decided to try to show off his knowledge of things like music composition (never having asked much about my life he had no idea that I had a degree in it) and then proceed to criticize my whole life-plan on this horrible premise that the only reasonable goal in life is to get money and stuff. Ugh. I was well, ready to go, when I stepped into that house. Then he decided to talk, I think to impress me, and I was incredibly turned-off. Because I am in this exploratory phase, I tend to actually push through a little turn-off, because sometimes the most awesome experiences lay just outside of your current comfort zone. But in his case, I just couldn't. I almost felt nauseated at the thought of sleeping with him. OH and it didn't help that he had laid along the top of his L-shaped couch, reclining like a Roman Emperor, with his feet (and groin) towards me and his head away from me. Anyways, this is pretty typical of my experiences with guys. So I began to realize, physically, I can be attracted to humans of any sex or gender. My attraction to males merely means that they are human. It doesn't mean it's necessarily something worth spending my time and effort on.

Ok, so those were the last musings on attraction I'd had through yesterday. Well, last night, I met this awesome genderqueer person. She presents pretty masculine, but she just seems so incredibly cute to me. We talked for a couple hours and sat on the beach  in Summerland (it was entirely dark). I was enjoying talking to her so much that I was actually trying not too think of how attracted I was to her (particularly intellectually), because I knew that once I did, I would psych myself and ruin an opportunity for an awesome friendship with a queer person in SB. Eventually, it got late (and she had to work in the morning) and when we were about to leave, I panicked and just quickly went into for a kiss on the lips. She, surprised, then smiled and thanked me, because she never knows how/when/if she should make a move. Upon her saying that, I had to kiss her again because I have dealt with that exact same issue my whole life and honestly have ruined multiple dating opportunities because I never went for it, haha. Anyways, we made out for a little and I felt that fluttering feeling in my heart/stomach that I haven't felt for years. I have felt it with people who I didn't fall in love with, but the last time I felt it was with the last girl I was in love with. And holy crap, she just kisses 500% better than any man I have kissed. I felt like I was 18. It felt so great and uplifting after a lot of crap in my life.

But of course this happens. I only ever find someone who I immediately click with when I'm at an uber inconvenient place in my life when I have already 100% given up on meeting someone (particularly before any life change). In this case, I am moving up to Oakland this month! And I sure as hell had zero plans to have a crush on an awesome person back down in Santa Barbara. Am I just seeing patterns where there are none? Even though I stop seeking out love, and I actually more open to it during these times? Or is there some cruel ironic joke that you can only meet certain people at the worst possible times? Am I just more willing/able to see the awesome qualities of a person during certain times in my life? Do I just tend to sabotage my own life? Idk, but all this definitely makes me think twice about actively trying to seek out a soulmate ever again, haha

Of course, this is all daydreaming. I really enjoyed spending time with her, but I am a long way away from really knowing her or anything remotely resembling love. It's just that that flutter in my heart really had a drug-like effect on me.

So I guess that's my last conclusion...I have had that feeling while kissing maybe 5 girls/women, but I have never had anything close to that with a guy. It's probably my personal sexual attraction, but I also feel like men are just worse kissers, haha

Even if you don’t believe in them, They still believe that you’re an asshole

So I wanted to write a post about “Trans Love and Attraction (for me),” but just yesterday, I was reminded that an incredible amount of people don’t even vaguely understand how attraction really works when it’s not entirely constrained by traditional cis- and hetero-normativity. I didn’t understand this until a few months ago, but apparently a crap ton of people don’t believe that bisexuals really exist. If you believe that, let me tell you two things: first, we exist; second you are incredibly arrogant and ego- and ethno-centric for believing that you can somehow intuit how every single person in this world feels. If you are straight and cisgender, why do you believe that gay people exist? Probably because you have been exposed to them! But you’ve been exposed to bisexuals too! How many gay people in public actively tell you that they are gay? How many straight people in public actively tell you that they are straight? Probably very few, because that’s just fucking weird. You assume they are gay or straight because of the person you see them with at the time. However, if bisexuals are monogamous (which many are [which apparently a bunch of other people don’t believe!]), they will only date one person at a time, and unless they are with a bigendered trans person, the person they date will not be both a man and a woman. They can only do one at a time. So let me tell you, you have been exposed to PLENTY of “gay couples” that actually include one or more bisexuals. You have also been exposed to PLENTY of “straight couples” that actually include one or more bisexuals. Given the knowledge that gay people exist, straight people exist, and people who identify as bisexual exist, why would you assume they are lying for some reason?!? Do you think bisexual people like it when every heteronormative asshole who won’t open his/her mind accuses them about lying about their identity?! They don’t. We don’t.

Ok, I do want to clarify some terms. Many people who cisgender straight people might identify as "bisexual" actually identify as "pansexual." Some of the difference is merely personal and local social group preference. But the two terms do have different connotations. Bisexual refers to an attraction to two sexes. But as both biologists and feminist scholars have pointed out for the past thirty years, humans are not merely made of up two "sexes." No matter what marker you use (genitalia, hormones, chromosomes, size, weight, etc.), there is an overlap between "male" and "female" traits in every category. Therefore, pansexual is a term that recognizes this false dichotomy and includes an attraction to the people who might not fit into one sex (and trans people). Also, many pansexual people talk about being attracted to people rather than their gender. I tend to identify as pansexual, because I am slightly attracted to men, and very attracted to trans people and women, but in my case, the reason I tend to be attracted to those kinds of people is legitimately because of who they are, rather than what genital type they have. And I am not the only person who is like this.

Recently, a friend asked me and two other queer people (something to the effect of) "Well I know that people can be attracted to both men and women, but are there really people who like both equally, whose attraction is split 50/50?" Immediately, all three of us rejected the premise of the question. One of the queer people pointed out that by trying to categorize people so exactly, you just add more labels and boxes to assign people. The other queer person explained that "bisexual" doesn't refer to an exact breakdown of attraction, but indicates an attraction to both men and women. I pointed out that not only is the question stupid, because there is no way to measure attraction so that you could know for sure that you are 50.0% attracted to men and 50.0% attracted to women, but also because attraction changes. If you are only attracted to one gender, has who you've been attracted to changed over time? At the very least, I hope you aren't still attracted to the same age group throughout your whole life. Everyone's attraction changes! Are you just looking for a hot body or are you looking for someone to marry? Blonde? Brunette? Bald? Beard? Same ethnicity? Different religion? You as an individual will change over time, so how the hell could your attraction not change? So if you are attracted to multiple genders, you can absolutely be more attracted to one gender (or person!!!) at one time. Why not? But does being more attracted to (or simply dating) one person or one gender completely negate a bisexual identity? (Hell No!)

All the time, I see headlines about celebrities who are "sometimes gay." What?!?!? So people are willing accept that someone's sexual orientation/preference entirely switches periodically, but they are unwilling to believe that instead of being "sometimes gay," they are merely always bisexual?

This issue just kills me sometimes, because IF YOU AREN'T BISEXUAL, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU KNOW THAT BISEXUALS DON'T EXIST and that PEOPLE WHO IDENTIFY AS BISEXUAL ARE LYING?!? No, I would absolutely not expect you to be able to understand how someone can be attracted to more than one gender because you aren't bisexual!!! And on the flip side of that, many bisexuals can't understand how people are only attracted to one gender, effectively disqualifying about half of the eligible mates out there.

Just be aware. And never assume that because you don't understand or feel something, it doesn't exist. Don't deny that a minority group exists just because you have a closed mind.

“Well They Probably Meant Well”

The moment I begin to feel  a little lonely…

Ok, men, this first part may not apply to you as well, but if you are a feminist, you’ll probably be able to empathize (and if you aren’t one, more than a few things on this blog might not make sense). So women…

Imagine you are walking down the street alone, on a street without many people (wherever). You are minding your own business, and some guy catcalls you. It isn’t inherently crude (it doesn’t mention any genitals at least), but it is condescending and objectifying (as most catcalls are). It takes a few seconds to get over your surprise, but then you quickly worry if this guy is going to begin to give you (more) trouble. He doesn’t, but the comment made you mad and your two seconds of fright just didn’t seem necessary. Later that night, while having a drink with a close guy friend who generally acts like a concerned feminist, you recount your day, including the cat-call story. You are clearly a bit frustrated and maybe even sad that events like these are common…and you just need to vent to a friend. And then, not meaning any harm whatsoever, your friend just says “Well, he was really just trying to give you a complement. He didn’t mean any harm.”

How would that feel?

That happens to me (less so with actual catcalling), but instead having almost half the population to vent to, I only have other trans people (which are slightly less common). It sucks sometimes.

I generally don’t talk about most of this stuff with most people, but here and there, being trans in this world sucks. Like a lot. As I explained in an earlier post, being a transgender person ­in and of itself does not suck. It kind of rocks actually. However, the pressures and discrimination imposed on trans people can really suck.

But I think people tend to misunderstand me when I say that. I think people think that most of the pressures I feel come from blatant, conscious, purposeful, transphobia. And yes, I have encountered a little of that. I’ve dealt with straight-up transphobic assholes (all but one have been men) a handful of times, but maybe only twice here in CA and four times in NC (two of which were when I was much younger). But for the most part, particularly in CA, these people comprise a tiny bit of my frustration. Here, there is enough pro-trans thought and social activism that I know I don’t have to worry too much in a public place I am comfortable with and know (I tend not to frequent places I wouldn’t be welcome).

No. Instead, 98% of the (non-internal) negative stuff I deal with comes from people who mean well. Or at the very least, don’t mean any harm. I’ll give you just a few examples:

-This quarter as a TA, I came out to my students the first day of class and asked them to call me “BG.” They seem to like it…a number of the men even like to say shout things like “Thanks BG,” over-emphasizing “BG” like they are typical bros…which is also how some of my friends in undergrad used to say it (so I like it). However, my name has not yet been legally changed, so university records still say “Brian.” Most of my students have no problem with this, but some just cannot seem to understand the concept that I wouldn’t want to be called anything other than what the university says I should be called…These students still call me “Brian,” which I guess is ok…except it then confuses students who do call me BG, so I end up having to keep addressing this issue in class. And it is starting to actually take time out of class, because I have had to do it so much. So that alone is a little annoying. But the big kicker is when an authority figure (either a professor or TA), insists on calling me “Brian” (despite the fact that I asked to be called B months ago and even sent a second e-mail to remind people) in front of my students. It just feeds right back into the problem.

-The whole 80’s night from my earlier post. Not a single person in the bar (I think) actually had any ill-will towards me (or my friend). In fact, I think many of them were more than open to interacting with trans people. Unfortunately, their genuine curiosity and ignorance (of trans issues) outweighed their manners, empathy, and knowledge. They totally meant well! It just kind of sucked on our end.

-It has gotten WAY better, but particularly early on, seeing that I was going through a lot, a lot of people gave me a lot of advice. I took almost all of the advice from trans people to heart and a decent amount of advice from other queer people (and people who once identified as queer). Unfortunately, I found that a lot of straight, cisgender friends tried to give me quite a bit of advice on figuring out my identity and presenting myself. Some of the latter, I totally took to heart, but I have found that almost across the board, people living in and accepting the gender system tend not to understand the intricacies of being trans, feeling gender dyphoria, and/or rejecting the accepted gender system. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying that cisgender people can’t understand trans-people or deconstruct gender like a trans person does. I am saying that most cisgender people, without doing a significant amount of gender self-exploration (like the type I only even began after I came out) and doing significant research on trans issues, will in no way have a better hold on what I am going through than I do. Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely received great advice from cisgender people, but it has been a tiny percent of the advice I have received. Obviously, I can just ignore bad advice. But can I? When intelligent, caring, close friends tell me they are concerned about something I am/should/shouldn’t be doing, it can be difficult to just ignore them. Plus, I will be the first to admit that I often feel lost and confused and if I have to choose between trusting myself or trusting close friends/mentors, unfortunately, I lose. So I listen. But the advice tends to discourage some recent revelation or idea I’ve had (from wearing nail polish to starting HRT). So I begin to get doubts. But when I convince myself they are right, my inner-self starts to be convinced that I was right all along. And then I end up with this long, internal struggle over who and what I am, because honestly I do not trust myself right now, haha. So when I get bad advice from cisgender people, I used to try to explain my point of view, but it rarely had an effect, so after months of this, I learned to merely smile and nod and ignore most advice…It’s the best defensive mechanism I have against long, drawn-out personal struggles. But of course, all of these people mean well! They mean super well! They are so concerned about me, because they really do care about me!!! Some of them even love me. No one tries to make me feel bad.

-Being misgendered often and/or in very difficult/awkward situations.

-I feel tokenized. It isn’t super common, but here and there, it seems like certain people only care about me, because I am trans. That’s all they want to talk about it, but they don’t really seem like they want to understand. It more seems like they want to understand just enough so that they can recount something that their (token) trans friend said to them. Often, if not always, it is 100% innocent, and on a certain level, it is kind of awesome that people are proud to have a trans friend. But it isn’t as awesome to only be a (non-queer person’s) friend because I am trans, rather than because of who I am.

- I am hanging out with friends in public. I am presenting entirely feminine and am clearly just trying to go incognito (i.e. I am trying to just “pass” as one gender or the other, because sometimes looking non-binary just isn’t worth the attention it draws…particularly if I plan on going to the bathroom in public [see pic below]). Even though I have long asked to be referred to as “her/she” when presenting feminine in public, and more recently, I have asked be called “her/she” all of the time (to help get rid of confusion), my friends, in the span of one conversation, end up calling me “he/him” at least a dozen times. They don’t even realize they are doing it. They are talking about me in the third person and I have been he/him for 24 years. It is hard for them to remember. I totally get it! But here is what goes through my mind: Each “he” is a small stab to my side. I’m not at all hurt or insulted…it is just a reminder that my friends still don’t see me how I see myself and how I want to be seen. It is also a bit stabbing, because I slowly begin to notice the people sitting (or standing one time) near us overhear this and start to wonder about me. Of course, most people do NOT notice, but I feel like everyone does, largely because of personal insecurities about being trans that I am nowhere near getting past. However, one or two people do notice that the girl at the other table is being called “he,” which causes them to look closer at me and pay attention to my voice…and they realize that I am not a cisgender girl. Which can be ok. I am not ashamed to be trans. In fact, I am proud of it. But that doesn’t mean I want it to be a central issue in my life every single time I go out. These people will probably never, ever say a word to me. But they do start to stare. And then I have to spend an hour or two pretending that I don’t notice the middle-age couple at the next table staring at me (but trying to pretend they aren’t) and whispering. But here is the kicker for this one. After a while of this, I try to quietly, politely, and understandingly remind/ask my friends to use feminine pronouns. I don’t make a big deal. I don’t talk about my thoughts or feelings. I am just trying to point out when my pronouns are slipping their mind (which I DO completely understand). But when I do ask them, they probably feel a little bad and/or embarrassed and end up getting a little defensive (as if I had angrily criticized them or something) and point out that it is so hard to remember, and that “it really doesn’t matter…They love me no matter what. And no one else in the restaurant/bar/winery/wherever cares” (emphasis added). I had hoped the reminder would go a little better, but at least I did it. But then, I only get two “she’s” before it goes right back to he/him. After the last time I tried to change it, I decide to just accept being misgendered for the rest of the night.

The last part of that last example is what this post is really about. It happens all the time. Over time, or when I have a bad day, or just need to vent, or just want to chat, etc., I want to tell someone about these experiences I have, particularly if they are experiences that are entirely foreign to most people. That seems like a normal reaction, right? Ok, so I explain and do my best to give these people a pass, because of their good intentions. But then, at least 95% of the time, I will get one of the following reactions.”

“Oh, well I am sure he/she/they didn’t mean it that way.”

“Well, they meant well.”

“Well, I’m sure they didn’t mean any harm.”

“I think that is a perfectly normal reaction. If I didn’t know you, I’m not sure I would do any different.”

“Well I doubt they did it on purpose. It was probably an accident/They probably just forgot.”

“They didn’t mean any harm. They are really just trying to watch out for what is best for you.”

etcetera

I know. I know. I know. I know that these people don’t mean any harm. I know that (probably) no one reading this means any harm. And I do not blame them/you. At all. It happens.

But just because people don't mean any harm (and I can recognize that), do I therefore have no right to feel how they make me feel?

I was going to try to come up with a ridiculous Hitler analogy to drive my point home, but I've been TA'ing for North American Indians and I may have a better one. For hundreds of years, many, many, many Europeans and their descendants truly believed that they were doing the right thing for Native Americans (e.g. they became "civilized," they adopted Christianity and gave up their heathen religions, they were moved to reservations to protect them from western-moving settlers, etc.). But just because many of the arbitrators of cultural genocide believed they were doing the right thing, does that mean that Native American's had/have no right to air their grievances?

Good intentions and ignorance do not neutralize nor do they justify bad actions.

When I complain to a friend about something that happened to me, I want to do exactly that...complain about something that happened to me...not what someone did to me. There are definitely a few exceptions to this, but the vast majority of the time when I am having these issues, I don't get angry, make any personal attacks on anyone, or place any blame (inwardly or outwardly). I just sometimes need to vent to friends.

But 95% of the time, when I tell a friend about something that happened to me, I will just be told one of the phrases mentioned above. And while these friends also mean the best, when their first reaction to my pain or frustration is to see and defend the other point of view (rather than see mine), it can be extremely alienating. It's one of the biggest reasons why I feel like I am entirely alone, even when I am surrounded by people sometimes.

A couple months ago, after mentioning to a close cisgender friend that there are certain topics that I really only feel like I can talk about with other trans people, this friend got a little hurt that I couldn't open up to them about certain things and when I tried to explain why, they didn't see my point of view. The next day, something happened that make me feel really crappy and when I told this friend, their first response was "Well Bee, I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I am sure they didn't mean any harm."

I don't need anyone to understand my point of view. I don't need them to always be on my side. I just wish that the default in conversations with people wasn't to take the other side, to take the cisgender rather than transgender side. There is no cisgender or transgender side. Just people. Some of which are cisgender and some of which are transgender. I hate that some of my closest friends can see a stranger's point of view way easier than they can see mine.

So please, if I open up to you about something crappy and you can't quite understand how I feel or why I feel that way, if you care about me and can see that I am hurt, just say "That sucks." Just the tiniest bit of (even fake) empathy would be so much better than just empathy for anyone else in my story, particularly because I am rarely complaining about them, but am just explaining what happened to me.

I didn't mean to call anyone out and I am not angry or hurt, but if anyone is in the situation with me in the future, please just keep all this in mind. :-)

Dating Tip For Men - How to Complement a Girl you Just Met

Hey y'all. One of my favorite things from seeing gender from multiple points of view is actually understanding so many silly mistakes that a lot of people make when dealing with the opposite gender, particularly in cisgender, heterosexual relationships (presumably the most common kind).

Ok guys, you are at a bar. You see a supper hot/cute/pretty/gorgeous/ok/do-able/real girl. You think "Damn, she has a great [insert whatever particularly attracts you to her]." You decide to go over to chat her up/ask her out. At this point, the only reason you are walking over is because you find her attractive. But you need some reason to actually go talk to her...very few guys can actually pull off just saying "I thought you were hot and I'd like to sleep with you." And honestly, you'd probably be a huge douche if you tried. You get up to her and don't really have a good pick-up line nor a good conversation starter in mind. So you decide to be nice and simultaneously endear yourself to her by giving her a compliment. She'll feel good. She'll like you. Good all around. You don't know her yet, but she was very attractive and you had to try, so all you really have to compliment is her looks. You want to be honest and say how you feel, because it really is quite innocent and flattering. You want to tell her that she is "beautiful" or "smokin'" or whatever term you think will endear you the most with her.

No. Don't do that.

First, consider whether whether this girl is actually here to meet new people...or just hang out with her friends. If the latter, don't be an ass,

Now, if you are pretty sure she is there to actually meet people, consider this...Women (particularly young women) are complemented on their looks all the fucking time. By this point, I am sure you know that I am trans. Well, because I don't feel like explaining the ins-and-outs of being non-binary, I tend to just make online profiles that have pictures of me presenting in one type of way or another. So I have a few just trans-girl profiles. I have an okcupid account like this with just a couple of pictures (including the one featured on this blog). From the last week alone, I have at least 20 messages in my inbox from men complementing my looks. Some are more subtle. Some are frank, dirty, and rude. But I am a trans girl and most guys tend not to find me as attractive as a cis-girl...which I totally get. So if I get 20 messages like this a week, how much does a cis-girl get? How often has she been told that she is pretty or has a nice [insert feature] in person? How many times has her looks been a go-to point of conversation throughout her life? Probably a fuck-ton. I, B, the trans person who has only been out for 8 months or so, have been so overwhelmed with complements about my looks that now when I hear one, it is pretty meaningless in and of itself. Instead, when I get a complement now, I immediately get a little anxious about whatever guy says it, because the odds are decent that if I turn him down politely (or don't respond online), I will end up being harassed in one way or another. So I don't really appreciate those types of complements anymore. Plus, and while this is not true in the bar situation, when a guy just messages me about my looks online, he very clearly says to me "The reason I am messaging you is because I want to date[/fuck] you because I find you attractive, but I couldn't really give a shit about your personality or intelligence." I mean, I have this well-written profile that talks about who I am, what I like, and what I am looking for, and all these guys have to say is "Wow, you look so hot. I'd love to hang out some time." Ugh.

 If you don't believe that she gets the same "compliments" from guys all the time, I promise that you are wrong. Y'know how I know? Because you find her attractive. If you do, trust me, other guys have. No matter what you believe, you are not the only man who has found this girl attractive. Many men have even lower (or no) standards for women, and those men hit on everyone. If you want to hit on a girl, many other guys have too.

So...if you are at a bar and don't want to fall into this trap and be like every other guy who wants to fuck this girl because she is hot, try something else. Don't be fake and act like you know her when you don't, but don't go straight to telling her she is pretty. There is another reason why calling a girl "pretty" isn't quite the compliment you might think. Much of a girl's physical attractiveness comes straight from here genes. Sure, she could be thinner or fatter or have a different style, but generally, most people can't choose whether they get the short end of the ugly stick or not. So if you just call her pretty, why should she feel special? Because she won the lottery on good genes? Oh great. I am sure she is really proud of that. I am sure that she is way more proud of her genes than the things she actually has chosen in life.

So what do you do? Simple. Compliment something she did choose! For example..."Hey, I just wanted to say that I really like your [hair, glasses, earrings, purse, necklace, shirt/top, dress, outfit, shoes, etc.]. It/They look(s) really great!" I promise you that it will go way better than just pretty, beautiful, hot, whatever. Plus, it is rare (or at least seems rare to me so far) that men actually will do this! Particularly if you choose something like her purse or earrings. And no, if you compliment her purse, she will not assume you are gay. In fact, stop worrying about that all together. One of the most harmful parts of masculinity and misogyny is the fear of being feminine. Women do not have the same fear about being masculine, and by being afraid to be feminine, you devalue it, you devalue women, and you devalue the person you are trying to talk to. Trust me, 9 times out of 10, if you compliment a girl in this way, it will go over well. Even if they aren't interested in you, you can totally play it off as though you were just paying her an innocent compliment (which is much harder when you call a girl "hot"). Ever since I came out, I've had zero qualms about complimenting people (often women) like this, no matter how I am presenting. And guess what? Without even trying, I have ended up chatting up girls (even getting a number or two), just because I liked someone's outfit and complimented it. Just do it (but don't abuse it). It is totally worth it :-)

80's Night

This story contains some more sensitive personal material about me. Family members who don’t want to think of me as an adult, just skip this one.

Saturday Night, I went with my friend C (unlike me, they actually have a longer name, but for the sake of privacy, I’ll just use “C”) to an 80’s night in downtown Santa Barbara. C is also transgender and identifies as genderfluid/non-binary (I think) and prefers they/them pronouns, but sometimes also like he/him pronouns (but I tend to just stick with they/them).

This was my first 80’s night I’ve been to since I came out, so I was super nervous, but also super excited to actually have fun with feminine 80’s fashion…and I did…

When we got to this place (“Blush”), there weren’t many people there, only maybe a dozen people dancing, only three or four other people dressed up for the 80’s night, and only a tiny, oddly-shaped dance area. Not very promising, but I (less so C) was determined to stay positive and have fun. After all, I didn’t get all dressed up for nothing! C also got dressed up, but in an “80’s Goth Industrial” way. Don’t worry, I didn’t really know what that meant either…They looked quite a bit darker and way less like a teen from the 80’s (and also way more masculine), but still awesome.

Early on, we didn’t dance too much (well I did) and just hung out in the corner. But we both definitely started noticing lots of people staring (and even pointing) at us and talking to each other. In an attempt to keep both of us positive, I leaned over and unironically (though still a little jokingly) said “Y’know, I’ll bet those people are just staring and pointing because we look so fabulous. I don’t think they are actually thinking of us being trans.” C laughed and in a half-hearted attempt at staying positive, said “Y’know, I think you are right.”

C finally heard some songs they liked, so we went out onto the floor, both of us just having fun in our own personal space (and not in anyone else’s). We danced for a bit, largely just trying to ignore all of the people watching us. At a certain point a cameraman stepped out of the back and C and I shot each other a look that said “Fuck. Are they going to tokenize us by taking our picture and specifically posting on their homepage to tout their diversity?” In hindsight, this sentiment was pretty ironic, because the exact opposite thing happened.

After a bit more dancing (and no photos of us directly), C went to go to the bathroom and get some water. I danced there by myself, trying to keep my eyes on the ground so I could pretend there weren’t at least three pairs of eyes staring at me at any given time. Suddenly, this tall, 30ish looking guy darts across the dance floor to me and puts his arm around me (apparently it is now completely acceptable to just put your arms around absolute strangers). He checks me out. I guess I checked him out to, but not for the same reason. He looked a little hipstery, wore a red plaid shirt, had a few piercings, was tall, and was very well-kempt. For a little bit, I wondered if he was queer (if knew he was queer, I would have felt way more comfortable), but I shortly noticed that a girl had followed him over and it seemed like they were together (though that of course doesn’t mean that he is only attracted to women). He leans over and asks “So, what’s your story?” For a split second, I was thinking something along the lines of “grew up in NC, did undergrad in college for Anth and Music Comp in New Orleans, and am here now for grad school doing archaeology in the Midwest/southeast.”, but then I realized that that would seem like a strange thing to ask someone on the dance floor like that. So I said “Uhhhhh, what do you mean?” He responded “What’s with the wig? [I have that neon blue one on]…’Are you drag?’”

(Pause for ridiculous over-analytical, over-sensitive, rant:) Ok, that’s a weird question. First, it doesn’t make sense. “Are you IN drag?” or “Are you a drag queen” make sense, but not that. The word “drag” very specifically refers to someone who is cisgender and dresses up as the opposite gender as a way of making a joke or attracting sexual partners. In most (if not all) senses, drag queens are not transgender…They are cisgender men whose personality and humor is actually centered on parodying real trans people. Plus, these people (or their equivalent) have existed in public for many centuries; It was (and is) not shameful to poke fun at the concept of being the opposite gender of the one you were assigned (and trans people), but it was not acceptable to actually be or identify as the opposite gender. Because drag queens have existed for so long and been much more public, much of the American public believes that drag queens are not only trans, but also accurate representation of all trans people. In fact, this is one of the huge reasons that MTF transgender women are give SOOOO much (mostly negative) attention, and NONE of the other types of transgender people are ever mentioned (again, other than by trans people or allies). So the mere existence of drag queens is extremely offensive to me, and to many other people. While the guy talking to me never used the word “queen,” that was the first thing that popped into my mind. Also, this was a TOTALLY cis bar and almost no one is even dressed for the theme, so what are the odds that someone (cisgender) would choose to dress all the way in drag in a ridiculously fabulous outfit. Where would I have gotten those clothes? I am giant!

(Still Paused) But there are two very important implications for his choice to ask me that question. “Are you drag?” First, unfortunately, it is not generally socially acceptable to walk up to someone and ask their gender. Imagine if you aren't sure whether someone is a guy or girl (or trans). Would you go up to them and ask them "Are you a guy?" Imagine if someone asked you. Would you be insulted? Most people would be. Honestly, that is a HUGE other issue (i.e. that part of our gender system is being insulted at being associated with the opposite gender), but it is important to note for now. So when this guy walked up to me, instead of asking "Hey, How do you identify?" (which I would have SERIOUSLY loved), he chose to go ahead and guess. His guess was drag. So, if he really wasn't sure how I identified (but strongly suspected I was not a cis girl), he had to guess what would be more likely to be true and to be less insulting to me. So...by choosing to phrase it how he did, he told me that he believed that it would be more insulting for someone in drag to be assumed to be trans than for a trans person to be assumed to be a cisgender person in drag. So...actually being trans is less valued than someone who makes a parody of trans people. I am well CONFIDENT he probably didn't think all of this out, but it doesn't necessarily change the implications.

(Still Paused) Second, by asking me that question, he was also essentially asking "So what's under your clothes?" Again (see my last post), that's not cool just to only ask to trans(/drag?) people!!! If you wouldn't ask it to a cis person, it is not ok to ask to a trans person! This issue actually ended up getting worse...

(Resume) When this guy asked "Are you drag?" I took a second and responded "I'm trans." The second I did that, a big smile crept onto his face, he called his girlfriend (I think that's who she was) over, said something to her, and then they both started dancing near me, and he started dancing with me. (Over the next hour or so, C and I figured out that this couple was trying to have a threesome with me; admittedly, I enjoy threesomes [not that I've had a lot, haha] and found both of them decently attractive, but I can't exactly say that I felt any desire to actually do anything or go anywhere with them).  I wasn't the most comfortable, but C (who would not have liked this situation) was still in the bathroom, I was determined to stay positive and have fun, and I recognized that almost every single cisgender woman has had to deal with situations way worse than this their entire lives, so I just tried to have fun and do my own thing...just…near them (they were following me at this point).

Eventually C came back, and when they were confused as to why this couple was dancing with us, I just said "enh, they seem nice." I decided not to actually tell C about what had already occurred, because C would probably want to leave and/or tell this guy off...but I was still trying to stay positive and have fun. Slowly, I noticed the girlfriend of this guy lean over and talk to some women who then whispered a bunch and then told other people and then soon, C and I were surrounded by a number of (cisgender) people, trapping us in the corner by the DJ. At one point, I specifically heard one of the women who had wandered over to us say to her friend "Whoa! If you hadn't told me, I would have had no idea!" as they watched me (from 3 feet away!) and from the bits and pieced more that I picked up, it was clear that they were referring to the fact that I was trans, and not a cisgender girl. Ok, on one level, when someone tells me that they would have had no idea that I wasn't a cis woman, it feels really nice. I have spent a lot of time and energy thinking about how I present, and it is nice to know that I can be a good chameleon sometimes, haha. But on another level, I was quite angry. This guy told his girlfriend who told other girls who told these girls (all of which probably told other people) that I (and probably C) was transgender. Now truthfully, I am not at ALL ashamed of being trans, but just because you aren't ashamed of being trans doesn't mean you want your personal identity to be spread randomly around a bar...particularly because the only reason it did spread was because we were the only trans people there and therefore (apparently) warranted attention from everyone at the bar. Also, in another sense, what really happened was that I was asked about what (rather than who) I was...and then the knowledge of my genital type was spread from person to person at that bar. How would you like a few dozen (mainly douche-y) strangers considering your genitals?

During this time, the "Are you drag" guy kept trying to get me to take pictures with him and his girlfriend. I did it. It wasn't worth the bother to argue and overall, he was trying to be friendly...no matter how misguided his attempts were. He then started following the professional photographer around, trying to get him to take pictures of me, possibly C, and possibly himself and his girlfriend. At one point, he must have spent 10 minutes in the corner trying to convince photographer. Eventually, the “drag” guy wandered back over and (slightly jokingly) said to me "He doesn't think you are pretty enough…so you should go over there and ask him yourself." In the moment, I didn’t really think about how fucked up that statement was (seriously, even as a joke!), so I just said "No. I don't want to." Over the next few songs, the drag guy kept pushing me to do it, but I of course never did. Judging by the distasteful looks C and I had started getting from the photographer as drag guy spoke with him, it is pretty likely that he was a bit transphobic and didn't want the two of us (who happened to be the best dressed for the event) to be featured on the website. Admittedly, I am totally reading into it, but it seems like the most likely of my hypotheses.

We got further trapped in the corner and when I ran out of beer (because I chugged it really quickly to make an excuse), I asked C if they wanted to go with me to get another. After we did that, we found a new spot in the exact opposite corner and danced by ourselves for a while. It took all of two minutes for half of the bar to be watching us again. And it took about another 30 seconds for that guy (and later his girlfriend) to follow us. We did everything we could to show disinterest and eventually they left us alone, but the joy of this event was followed by the realization that we were still somehow the center of attention of the bar. We decided it just wasn't worth it, got our jackets, and left. C was just fuming about the whole thing and I was just trying to comprehend what the hell just happened..

I would like to end with a few concluding thoughts...First, I am well aware that none (or few) of these people meant any harm whatsoever. But C and I seriously just went to a bar to have a drink and dance to some 80's music. We stood in the corner and kept to ourselves. Yet somehow, by the end of the night, we were the center of attention, and everyone in the room knew (or figured) what genitalia I was born with. Also, if there had been a very transphobic person in the bar, they definitely would have noticed us, not because of us actually looking that out of place, but instead because people had noticed us looking somewhat out of place and spreading throughout the bar. If I want to go out in public and don't end up going with a big group of cis friends, do I have to expect this type of thing to happen regularly for the rest of my life?!?!? If that had gone down in NC, there is a decent chance both of us might have been beat up...if not worse. Again, I am well aware that none of those people meant harm, but that doesn't mean that what they did was ok. Just be aware of that. In a similar situation, please just try to use empathy and imagine what it is like to just want to have fun, but be singled out and/or tokenized because you are a little different.

Second, C and I were the center of attention. In fact, I have a feeling that many of the people there will remember us more than anything or anyone else from that night...But the photographer wouldn't take a picture of us. I think there is a small chance the photographer suspected that we didn't want our pictures taken and tried to respect our wishes. However, judging by the fact that he never asked us (like he did with everyone else there), and the looks he gave me, I doubt that was the case. So...two trans people go to a bar, become the center of attention, and yet were never photographed. When these pictures are posted on the bar website, you will only see cisgender people........This is one of many reasons why people think trans people are so rare and aren't normal people who do the exact same things as everyone else. What's the equivalent of white-washing? "Cis-washing"?

Third, I don't know if you noticed throughout the story, but C and I totally ended up fulfilling gender roles in funny ways. I really just wanted to dance the whole time and have fun, but C mostly wanted to stand in the corner and wait for songs they really liked. And later, I didn't tell C about my interactions with drag guy, because I was afraid they would get angry/frustrated and make a fuss, so I kept it to myself until long after we left. I know it is a small thing to notice, but it made me happy that without any thought, I ended up filling a more traditional feminine role. :-)

Last, I know that I have overanalyzed a few events from this night and have been very sensitive to certain issues (maybe too sensitive...which is an issue I am in the middle of struggling with). But I totally recognize that the same (or a similar) thing could easily have happened to a cisgender woman. I am merely relatively new to certain types of objectification and was extra sensitive to it, because it was the first time I have gone out with another trans person to a place like that. Trans people are only one of many times of people who have to deal with ignorant bullshit like this in public.