Deer In the Headlights

Probably NSFW or conservative relatives

I spend a lot of time thinking about Love. As I write that, I realize that either everyone else does too or I totally just sound like an angsty teenager. But enh, I am going through a whole new puberty and self-rediscovery...I think I should get to indulge some of my immature guilty pleasures. But anyways, it used to be so simple. I liked girls. I was physically attracted to them. I enjoyed being around them. And I fell in "love" (infatuation) at the drop of a hat. I was not at all intellectually/emotionally attracted to men (as more than friends) and it was therefore pretty darn easy to suppress any physical attractions I had to men.

But since coming out, I've seen zero reason not to explore that attraction. Therefore I've tried. I've done a decent amount of experimenting with men. Admittedly, (as a trans girl), I am dealing with a very limited sample, but...I am just not attracted to men. Period. Oh I am attracted to males, but I am so un-attracted to cultural men and masculinity. Once, a guy took me on a date. He was pretty explicit up front that he hoped we'd sleep together later in the night, and while that did throw me off a little, it didn't matter, because I found him super physically attractive. The bar we were at kind of sucked so we went back to his place. He seemed really smart and while I had a handful of bad feelings, he was attractive enough (and I hadn't been with anyone for a while) that all he had to do was kiss me and there would no longer be any question. But instead, he decided to try to show off his knowledge of things like music composition (never having asked much about my life he had no idea that I had a degree in it) and then proceed to criticize my whole life-plan on this horrible premise that the only reasonable goal in life is to get money and stuff. Ugh. I was well, ready to go, when I stepped into that house. Then he decided to talk, I think to impress me, and I was incredibly turned-off. Because I am in this exploratory phase, I tend to actually push through a little turn-off, because sometimes the most awesome experiences lay just outside of your current comfort zone. But in his case, I just couldn't. I almost felt nauseated at the thought of sleeping with him. OH and it didn't help that he had laid along the top of his L-shaped couch, reclining like a Roman Emperor, with his feet (and groin) towards me and his head away from me. Anyways, this is pretty typical of my experiences with guys. So I began to realize, physically, I can be attracted to humans of any sex or gender. My attraction to males merely means that they are human. It doesn't mean it's necessarily something worth spending my time and effort on.

Ok, so those were the last musings on attraction I'd had through yesterday. Well, last night, I met this awesome genderqueer person. She presents pretty masculine, but she just seems so incredibly cute to me. We talked for a couple hours and sat on the beach  in Summerland (it was entirely dark). I was enjoying talking to her so much that I was actually trying not too think of how attracted I was to her (particularly intellectually), because I knew that once I did, I would psych myself and ruin an opportunity for an awesome friendship with a queer person in SB. Eventually, it got late (and she had to work in the morning) and when we were about to leave, I panicked and just quickly went into for a kiss on the lips. She, surprised, then smiled and thanked me, because she never knows how/when/if she should make a move. Upon her saying that, I had to kiss her again because I have dealt with that exact same issue my whole life and honestly have ruined multiple dating opportunities because I never went for it, haha. Anyways, we made out for a little and I felt that fluttering feeling in my heart/stomach that I haven't felt for years. I have felt it with people who I didn't fall in love with, but the last time I felt it was with the last girl I was in love with. And holy crap, she just kisses 500% better than any man I have kissed. I felt like I was 18. It felt so great and uplifting after a lot of crap in my life.

But of course this happens. I only ever find someone who I immediately click with when I'm at an uber inconvenient place in my life when I have already 100% given up on meeting someone (particularly before any life change). In this case, I am moving up to Oakland this month! And I sure as hell had zero plans to have a crush on an awesome person back down in Santa Barbara. Am I just seeing patterns where there are none? Even though I stop seeking out love, and I actually more open to it during these times? Or is there some cruel ironic joke that you can only meet certain people at the worst possible times? Am I just more willing/able to see the awesome qualities of a person during certain times in my life? Do I just tend to sabotage my own life? Idk, but all this definitely makes me think twice about actively trying to seek out a soulmate ever again, haha

Of course, this is all daydreaming. I really enjoyed spending time with her, but I am a long way away from really knowing her or anything remotely resembling love. It's just that that flutter in my heart really had a drug-like effect on me.

So I guess that's my last conclusion...I have had that feeling while kissing maybe 5 girls/women, but I have never had anything close to that with a guy. It's probably my personal sexual attraction, but I also feel like men are just worse kissers, haha

Even if you don’t believe in them, They still believe that you’re an asshole

So I wanted to write a post about “Trans Love and Attraction (for me),” but just yesterday, I was reminded that an incredible amount of people don’t even vaguely understand how attraction really works when it’s not entirely constrained by traditional cis- and hetero-normativity. I didn’t understand this until a few months ago, but apparently a crap ton of people don’t believe that bisexuals really exist. If you believe that, let me tell you two things: first, we exist; second you are incredibly arrogant and ego- and ethno-centric for believing that you can somehow intuit how every single person in this world feels. If you are straight and cisgender, why do you believe that gay people exist? Probably because you have been exposed to them! But you’ve been exposed to bisexuals too! How many gay people in public actively tell you that they are gay? How many straight people in public actively tell you that they are straight? Probably very few, because that’s just fucking weird. You assume they are gay or straight because of the person you see them with at the time. However, if bisexuals are monogamous (which many are [which apparently a bunch of other people don’t believe!]), they will only date one person at a time, and unless they are with a bigendered trans person, the person they date will not be both a man and a woman. They can only do one at a time. So let me tell you, you have been exposed to PLENTY of “gay couples” that actually include one or more bisexuals. You have also been exposed to PLENTY of “straight couples” that actually include one or more bisexuals. Given the knowledge that gay people exist, straight people exist, and people who identify as bisexual exist, why would you assume they are lying for some reason?!? Do you think bisexual people like it when every heteronormative asshole who won’t open his/her mind accuses them about lying about their identity?! They don’t. We don’t.

Ok, I do want to clarify some terms. Many people who cisgender straight people might identify as "bisexual" actually identify as "pansexual." Some of the difference is merely personal and local social group preference. But the two terms do have different connotations. Bisexual refers to an attraction to two sexes. But as both biologists and feminist scholars have pointed out for the past thirty years, humans are not merely made of up two "sexes." No matter what marker you use (genitalia, hormones, chromosomes, size, weight, etc.), there is an overlap between "male" and "female" traits in every category. Therefore, pansexual is a term that recognizes this false dichotomy and includes an attraction to the people who might not fit into one sex (and trans people). Also, many pansexual people talk about being attracted to people rather than their gender. I tend to identify as pansexual, because I am slightly attracted to men, and very attracted to trans people and women, but in my case, the reason I tend to be attracted to those kinds of people is legitimately because of who they are, rather than what genital type they have. And I am not the only person who is like this.

Recently, a friend asked me and two other queer people (something to the effect of) "Well I know that people can be attracted to both men and women, but are there really people who like both equally, whose attraction is split 50/50?" Immediately, all three of us rejected the premise of the question. One of the queer people pointed out that by trying to categorize people so exactly, you just add more labels and boxes to assign people. The other queer person explained that "bisexual" doesn't refer to an exact breakdown of attraction, but indicates an attraction to both men and women. I pointed out that not only is the question stupid, because there is no way to measure attraction so that you could know for sure that you are 50.0% attracted to men and 50.0% attracted to women, but also because attraction changes. If you are only attracted to one gender, has who you've been attracted to changed over time? At the very least, I hope you aren't still attracted to the same age group throughout your whole life. Everyone's attraction changes! Are you just looking for a hot body or are you looking for someone to marry? Blonde? Brunette? Bald? Beard? Same ethnicity? Different religion? You as an individual will change over time, so how the hell could your attraction not change? So if you are attracted to multiple genders, you can absolutely be more attracted to one gender (or person!!!) at one time. Why not? But does being more attracted to (or simply dating) one person or one gender completely negate a bisexual identity? (Hell No!)

All the time, I see headlines about celebrities who are "sometimes gay." What?!?!? So people are willing accept that someone's sexual orientation/preference entirely switches periodically, but they are unwilling to believe that instead of being "sometimes gay," they are merely always bisexual?

This issue just kills me sometimes, because IF YOU AREN'T BISEXUAL, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU KNOW THAT BISEXUALS DON'T EXIST and that PEOPLE WHO IDENTIFY AS BISEXUAL ARE LYING?!? No, I would absolutely not expect you to be able to understand how someone can be attracted to more than one gender because you aren't bisexual!!! And on the flip side of that, many bisexuals can't understand how people are only attracted to one gender, effectively disqualifying about half of the eligible mates out there.

Just be aware. And never assume that because you don't understand or feel something, it doesn't exist. Don't deny that a minority group exists just because you have a closed mind.