Hey y'all. One of my favorite things from seeing gender from multiple points of view is actually understanding so many silly mistakes that a lot of people make when dealing with the opposite gender, particularly in cisgender, heterosexual relationships (presumably the most common kind).
Ok guys, you are at a bar. You see a supper hot/cute/pretty/gorgeous/ok/do-able/real girl. You think "Damn, she has a great [insert whatever particularly attracts you to her]." You decide to go over to chat her up/ask her out. At this point, the only reason you are walking over is because you find her attractive. But you need some reason to actually go talk to her...very few guys can actually pull off just saying "I thought you were hot and I'd like to sleep with you." And honestly, you'd probably be a huge douche if you tried. You get up to her and don't really have a good pick-up line nor a good conversation starter in mind. So you decide to be nice and simultaneously endear yourself to her by giving her a compliment. She'll feel good. She'll like you. Good all around. You don't know her yet, but she was very attractive and you had to try, so all you really have to compliment is her looks. You want to be honest and say how you feel, because it really is quite innocent and flattering. You want to tell her that she is "beautiful" or "smokin'" or whatever term you think will endear you the most with her.
No. Don't do that.
First, consider whether whether this girl is actually here to meet new people...or just hang out with her friends. If the latter, don't be an ass,
Now, if you are pretty sure she is there to actually meet people, consider this...Women (particularly young women) are complemented on their looks all the fucking time. By this point, I am sure you know that I am trans. Well, because I don't feel like explaining the ins-and-outs of being non-binary, I tend to just make online profiles that have pictures of me presenting in one type of way or another. So I have a few just trans-girl profiles. I have an okcupid account like this with just a couple of pictures (including the one featured on this blog). From the last week alone, I have at least 20 messages in my inbox from men complementing my looks. Some are more subtle. Some are frank, dirty, and rude. But I am a trans girl and most guys tend not to find me as attractive as a cis-girl...which I totally get. So if I get 20 messages like this a week, how much does a cis-girl get? How often has she been told that she is pretty or has a nice [insert feature] in person? How many times has her looks been a go-to point of conversation throughout her life? Probably a fuck-ton. I, B, the trans person who has only been out for 8 months or so, have been so overwhelmed with complements about my looks that now when I hear one, it is pretty meaningless in and of itself. Instead, when I get a complement now, I immediately get a little anxious about whatever guy says it, because the odds are decent that if I turn him down politely (or don't respond online), I will end up being harassed in one way or another. So I don't really appreciate those types of complements anymore. Plus, and while this is not true in the bar situation, when a guy just messages me about my looks online, he very clearly says to me "The reason I am messaging you is because I want to date[/fuck] you because I find you attractive, but I couldn't really give a shit about your personality or intelligence." I mean, I have this well-written profile that talks about who I am, what I like, and what I am looking for, and all these guys have to say is "Wow, you look so hot. I'd love to hang out some time." Ugh.
If you don't believe that she gets the same "compliments" from guys all the time, I promise that you are wrong. Y'know how I know? Because you find her attractive. If you do, trust me, other guys have. No matter what you believe, you are not the only man who has found this girl attractive. Many men have even lower (or no) standards for women, and those men hit on everyone. If you want to hit on a girl, many other guys have too.
So...if you are at a bar and don't want to fall into this trap and be like every other guy who wants to fuck this girl because she is hot, try something else. Don't be fake and act like you know her when you don't, but don't go straight to telling her she is pretty. There is another reason why calling a girl "pretty" isn't quite the compliment you might think. Much of a girl's physical attractiveness comes straight from here genes. Sure, she could be thinner or fatter or have a different style, but generally, most people can't choose whether they get the short end of the ugly stick or not. So if you just call her pretty, why should she feel special? Because she won the lottery on good genes? Oh great. I am sure she is really proud of that. I am sure that she is way more proud of her genes than the things she actually has chosen in life.
So what do you do? Simple. Compliment something she did choose! For example..."Hey, I just wanted to say that I really like your [hair, glasses, earrings, purse, necklace, shirt/top, dress, outfit, shoes, etc.]. It/They look(s) really great!" I promise you that it will go way better than just pretty, beautiful, hot, whatever. Plus, it is rare (or at least seems rare to me so far) that men actually will do this! Particularly if you choose something like her purse or earrings. And no, if you compliment her purse, she will not assume you are gay. In fact, stop worrying about that all together. One of the most harmful parts of masculinity and misogyny is the fear of being feminine. Women do not have the same fear about being masculine, and by being afraid to be feminine, you devalue it, you devalue women, and you devalue the person you are trying to talk to. Trust me, 9 times out of 10, if you compliment a girl in this way, it will go over well. Even if they aren't interested in you, you can totally play it off as though you were just paying her an innocent compliment (which is much harder when you call a girl "hot"). Ever since I came out, I've had zero qualms about complimenting people (often women) like this, no matter how I am presenting. And guess what? Without even trying, I have ended up chatting up girls (even getting a number or two), just because I liked someone's outfit and complimented it. Just do it (but don't abuse it). It is totally worth it :-)
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