So I wanted to write a post about “Trans Love and Attraction
(for me),” but just yesterday, I was reminded that an incredible amount of
people don’t even vaguely understand how attraction really works when it’s not
entirely constrained by traditional cis- and hetero-normativity. I didn’t
understand this until a few months ago, but apparently a crap ton of people
don’t believe that bisexuals really exist. If you believe that, let me tell you
two things: first, we exist; second you are incredibly arrogant and ego- and
ethno-centric for believing that you can somehow intuit how every single person
in this world feels. If you are straight and cisgender, why do you believe that
gay people exist? Probably because you have been exposed to them! But you’ve
been exposed to bisexuals too! How many gay people in public actively tell you
that they are gay? How many straight people in public actively tell you that
they are straight? Probably very few, because that’s just fucking weird. You assume they are gay or straight because
of the person you see them with at the time. However, if bisexuals are
monogamous (which many are [which apparently a bunch of other people don’t
believe!]), they will only date one person at a time, and unless they are with
a bigendered trans person, the person they date will not be both a man and a
woman. They can only do one at a time. So let me tell you, you have been
exposed to PLENTY of “gay couples” that actually include one or more bisexuals.
You have also been exposed to PLENTY of “straight couples” that actually
include one or more bisexuals. Given the knowledge that gay people exist,
straight people exist, and people who identify
as bisexual exist, why would you assume they are lying for some reason?!? Do
you think bisexual people like it
when every heteronormative asshole who won’t open his/her mind accuses them
about lying about their identity?! They don’t. We don’t.
Ok, I do want to clarify some terms. Many people who
cisgender straight people might identify as "bisexual" actually
identify as "pansexual." Some of the difference is merely personal
and local social group preference. But the two terms do have different
connotations. Bisexual refers to an
attraction to two sexes. But as both biologists and feminist scholars have
pointed out for the past thirty years, humans are not merely made of up two
"sexes." No matter what marker you use (genitalia, hormones,
chromosomes, size, weight, etc.), there is an overlap between "male"
and "female" traits in every category. Therefore, pansexual is a term that recognizes this
false dichotomy and includes an attraction to the people who might not fit into
one sex (and trans people). Also, many pansexual
people talk about being attracted to people
rather than their gender. I tend to
identify as pansexual, because I am slightly attracted to men, and very
attracted to trans people and women, but in my case, the reason I tend to be
attracted to those kinds of people is legitimately because of who they are,
rather than what genital type they have. And I am not the only person who is
like this.
Recently, a friend asked me and two other queer people
(something to the effect of) "Well I know that people can be attracted to
both men and women, but are there really people who like both equally, whose
attraction is split 50/50?" Immediately, all three of us rejected the
premise of the question. One of the queer people pointed out that by trying to
categorize people so exactly, you just add more labels and boxes to assign
people. The other queer person explained that "bisexual" doesn't
refer to an exact breakdown of attraction, but indicates an attraction to both men and women. I pointed out that not only is
the question stupid, because there is no way to measure attraction so that you
could know for sure that you are 50.0% attracted to men and 50.0% attracted to
women, but also because attraction changes.
If you are only attracted to one gender, has who you've been attracted to changed over time? At the very least,
I hope you aren't still attracted to the same age group throughout your whole
life. Everyone's attraction changes! Are you just looking for a hot body or are
you looking for someone to marry? Blonde? Brunette? Bald? Beard? Same
ethnicity? Different religion? You as
an individual will change over time, so how the hell could your attraction not change? So if you are attracted to
multiple genders, you can absolutely be more attracted to one gender (or
person!!!) at one time. Why not? But does being more attracted to (or simply
dating) one person or one gender completely negate a bisexual identity? (Hell No!)
All the time, I see headlines about celebrities who are
"sometimes gay." What?!?!? So people are willing accept that someone's
sexual orientation/preference entirely switches periodically, but they are unwilling
to believe that instead of being "sometimes gay," they are merely always bisexual?
This issue just kills me sometimes, because IF YOU AREN'T
BISEXUAL, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU KNOW
THAT BISEXUALS DON'T EXIST and that PEOPLE WHO IDENTIFY AS BISEXUAL ARE
LYING?!? No, I would absolutely not expect you to be able to understand how
someone can be attracted to more than one gender because you aren't bisexual!!! And on the flip side of that, many
bisexuals can't understand how people are only attracted to one gender,
effectively disqualifying about half of the eligible mates out there.
Just be aware. And never assume that because you don't understand or feel something,
it doesn't exist. Don't deny that a minority group exists just because you have
a closed mind.
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