Dating Tip For Men - How to Complement a Girl you Just Met

Hey y'all. One of my favorite things from seeing gender from multiple points of view is actually understanding so many silly mistakes that a lot of people make when dealing with the opposite gender, particularly in cisgender, heterosexual relationships (presumably the most common kind).

Ok guys, you are at a bar. You see a supper hot/cute/pretty/gorgeous/ok/do-able/real girl. You think "Damn, she has a great [insert whatever particularly attracts you to her]." You decide to go over to chat her up/ask her out. At this point, the only reason you are walking over is because you find her attractive. But you need some reason to actually go talk to her...very few guys can actually pull off just saying "I thought you were hot and I'd like to sleep with you." And honestly, you'd probably be a huge douche if you tried. You get up to her and don't really have a good pick-up line nor a good conversation starter in mind. So you decide to be nice and simultaneously endear yourself to her by giving her a compliment. She'll feel good. She'll like you. Good all around. You don't know her yet, but she was very attractive and you had to try, so all you really have to compliment is her looks. You want to be honest and say how you feel, because it really is quite innocent and flattering. You want to tell her that she is "beautiful" or "smokin'" or whatever term you think will endear you the most with her.

No. Don't do that.

First, consider whether whether this girl is actually here to meet new people...or just hang out with her friends. If the latter, don't be an ass,

Now, if you are pretty sure she is there to actually meet people, consider this...Women (particularly young women) are complemented on their looks all the fucking time. By this point, I am sure you know that I am trans. Well, because I don't feel like explaining the ins-and-outs of being non-binary, I tend to just make online profiles that have pictures of me presenting in one type of way or another. So I have a few just trans-girl profiles. I have an okcupid account like this with just a couple of pictures (including the one featured on this blog). From the last week alone, I have at least 20 messages in my inbox from men complementing my looks. Some are more subtle. Some are frank, dirty, and rude. But I am a trans girl and most guys tend not to find me as attractive as a cis-girl...which I totally get. So if I get 20 messages like this a week, how much does a cis-girl get? How often has she been told that she is pretty or has a nice [insert feature] in person? How many times has her looks been a go-to point of conversation throughout her life? Probably a fuck-ton. I, B, the trans person who has only been out for 8 months or so, have been so overwhelmed with complements about my looks that now when I hear one, it is pretty meaningless in and of itself. Instead, when I get a complement now, I immediately get a little anxious about whatever guy says it, because the odds are decent that if I turn him down politely (or don't respond online), I will end up being harassed in one way or another. So I don't really appreciate those types of complements anymore. Plus, and while this is not true in the bar situation, when a guy just messages me about my looks online, he very clearly says to me "The reason I am messaging you is because I want to date[/fuck] you because I find you attractive, but I couldn't really give a shit about your personality or intelligence." I mean, I have this well-written profile that talks about who I am, what I like, and what I am looking for, and all these guys have to say is "Wow, you look so hot. I'd love to hang out some time." Ugh.

 If you don't believe that she gets the same "compliments" from guys all the time, I promise that you are wrong. Y'know how I know? Because you find her attractive. If you do, trust me, other guys have. No matter what you believe, you are not the only man who has found this girl attractive. Many men have even lower (or no) standards for women, and those men hit on everyone. If you want to hit on a girl, many other guys have too.

So...if you are at a bar and don't want to fall into this trap and be like every other guy who wants to fuck this girl because she is hot, try something else. Don't be fake and act like you know her when you don't, but don't go straight to telling her she is pretty. There is another reason why calling a girl "pretty" isn't quite the compliment you might think. Much of a girl's physical attractiveness comes straight from here genes. Sure, she could be thinner or fatter or have a different style, but generally, most people can't choose whether they get the short end of the ugly stick or not. So if you just call her pretty, why should she feel special? Because she won the lottery on good genes? Oh great. I am sure she is really proud of that. I am sure that she is way more proud of her genes than the things she actually has chosen in life.

So what do you do? Simple. Compliment something she did choose! For example..."Hey, I just wanted to say that I really like your [hair, glasses, earrings, purse, necklace, shirt/top, dress, outfit, shoes, etc.]. It/They look(s) really great!" I promise you that it will go way better than just pretty, beautiful, hot, whatever. Plus, it is rare (or at least seems rare to me so far) that men actually will do this! Particularly if you choose something like her purse or earrings. And no, if you compliment her purse, she will not assume you are gay. In fact, stop worrying about that all together. One of the most harmful parts of masculinity and misogyny is the fear of being feminine. Women do not have the same fear about being masculine, and by being afraid to be feminine, you devalue it, you devalue women, and you devalue the person you are trying to talk to. Trust me, 9 times out of 10, if you compliment a girl in this way, it will go over well. Even if they aren't interested in you, you can totally play it off as though you were just paying her an innocent compliment (which is much harder when you call a girl "hot"). Ever since I came out, I've had zero qualms about complimenting people (often women) like this, no matter how I am presenting. And guess what? Without even trying, I have ended up chatting up girls (even getting a number or two), just because I liked someone's outfit and complimented it. Just do it (but don't abuse it). It is totally worth it :-)

80's Night

This story contains some more sensitive personal material about me. Family members who don’t want to think of me as an adult, just skip this one.

Saturday Night, I went with my friend C (unlike me, they actually have a longer name, but for the sake of privacy, I’ll just use “C”) to an 80’s night in downtown Santa Barbara. C is also transgender and identifies as genderfluid/non-binary (I think) and prefers they/them pronouns, but sometimes also like he/him pronouns (but I tend to just stick with they/them).

This was my first 80’s night I’ve been to since I came out, so I was super nervous, but also super excited to actually have fun with feminine 80’s fashion…and I did…

When we got to this place (“Blush”), there weren’t many people there, only maybe a dozen people dancing, only three or four other people dressed up for the 80’s night, and only a tiny, oddly-shaped dance area. Not very promising, but I (less so C) was determined to stay positive and have fun. After all, I didn’t get all dressed up for nothing! C also got dressed up, but in an “80’s Goth Industrial” way. Don’t worry, I didn’t really know what that meant either…They looked quite a bit darker and way less like a teen from the 80’s (and also way more masculine), but still awesome.

Early on, we didn’t dance too much (well I did) and just hung out in the corner. But we both definitely started noticing lots of people staring (and even pointing) at us and talking to each other. In an attempt to keep both of us positive, I leaned over and unironically (though still a little jokingly) said “Y’know, I’ll bet those people are just staring and pointing because we look so fabulous. I don’t think they are actually thinking of us being trans.” C laughed and in a half-hearted attempt at staying positive, said “Y’know, I think you are right.”

C finally heard some songs they liked, so we went out onto the floor, both of us just having fun in our own personal space (and not in anyone else’s). We danced for a bit, largely just trying to ignore all of the people watching us. At a certain point a cameraman stepped out of the back and C and I shot each other a look that said “Fuck. Are they going to tokenize us by taking our picture and specifically posting on their homepage to tout their diversity?” In hindsight, this sentiment was pretty ironic, because the exact opposite thing happened.

After a bit more dancing (and no photos of us directly), C went to go to the bathroom and get some water. I danced there by myself, trying to keep my eyes on the ground so I could pretend there weren’t at least three pairs of eyes staring at me at any given time. Suddenly, this tall, 30ish looking guy darts across the dance floor to me and puts his arm around me (apparently it is now completely acceptable to just put your arms around absolute strangers). He checks me out. I guess I checked him out to, but not for the same reason. He looked a little hipstery, wore a red plaid shirt, had a few piercings, was tall, and was very well-kempt. For a little bit, I wondered if he was queer (if knew he was queer, I would have felt way more comfortable), but I shortly noticed that a girl had followed him over and it seemed like they were together (though that of course doesn’t mean that he is only attracted to women). He leans over and asks “So, what’s your story?” For a split second, I was thinking something along the lines of “grew up in NC, did undergrad in college for Anth and Music Comp in New Orleans, and am here now for grad school doing archaeology in the Midwest/southeast.”, but then I realized that that would seem like a strange thing to ask someone on the dance floor like that. So I said “Uhhhhh, what do you mean?” He responded “What’s with the wig? [I have that neon blue one on]…’Are you drag?’”

(Pause for ridiculous over-analytical, over-sensitive, rant:) Ok, that’s a weird question. First, it doesn’t make sense. “Are you IN drag?” or “Are you a drag queen” make sense, but not that. The word “drag” very specifically refers to someone who is cisgender and dresses up as the opposite gender as a way of making a joke or attracting sexual partners. In most (if not all) senses, drag queens are not transgender…They are cisgender men whose personality and humor is actually centered on parodying real trans people. Plus, these people (or their equivalent) have existed in public for many centuries; It was (and is) not shameful to poke fun at the concept of being the opposite gender of the one you were assigned (and trans people), but it was not acceptable to actually be or identify as the opposite gender. Because drag queens have existed for so long and been much more public, much of the American public believes that drag queens are not only trans, but also accurate representation of all trans people. In fact, this is one of the huge reasons that MTF transgender women are give SOOOO much (mostly negative) attention, and NONE of the other types of transgender people are ever mentioned (again, other than by trans people or allies). So the mere existence of drag queens is extremely offensive to me, and to many other people. While the guy talking to me never used the word “queen,” that was the first thing that popped into my mind. Also, this was a TOTALLY cis bar and almost no one is even dressed for the theme, so what are the odds that someone (cisgender) would choose to dress all the way in drag in a ridiculously fabulous outfit. Where would I have gotten those clothes? I am giant!

(Still Paused) But there are two very important implications for his choice to ask me that question. “Are you drag?” First, unfortunately, it is not generally socially acceptable to walk up to someone and ask their gender. Imagine if you aren't sure whether someone is a guy or girl (or trans). Would you go up to them and ask them "Are you a guy?" Imagine if someone asked you. Would you be insulted? Most people would be. Honestly, that is a HUGE other issue (i.e. that part of our gender system is being insulted at being associated with the opposite gender), but it is important to note for now. So when this guy walked up to me, instead of asking "Hey, How do you identify?" (which I would have SERIOUSLY loved), he chose to go ahead and guess. His guess was drag. So, if he really wasn't sure how I identified (but strongly suspected I was not a cis girl), he had to guess what would be more likely to be true and to be less insulting to me. So...by choosing to phrase it how he did, he told me that he believed that it would be more insulting for someone in drag to be assumed to be trans than for a trans person to be assumed to be a cisgender person in drag. So...actually being trans is less valued than someone who makes a parody of trans people. I am well CONFIDENT he probably didn't think all of this out, but it doesn't necessarily change the implications.

(Still Paused) Second, by asking me that question, he was also essentially asking "So what's under your clothes?" Again (see my last post), that's not cool just to only ask to trans(/drag?) people!!! If you wouldn't ask it to a cis person, it is not ok to ask to a trans person! This issue actually ended up getting worse...

(Resume) When this guy asked "Are you drag?" I took a second and responded "I'm trans." The second I did that, a big smile crept onto his face, he called his girlfriend (I think that's who she was) over, said something to her, and then they both started dancing near me, and he started dancing with me. (Over the next hour or so, C and I figured out that this couple was trying to have a threesome with me; admittedly, I enjoy threesomes [not that I've had a lot, haha] and found both of them decently attractive, but I can't exactly say that I felt any desire to actually do anything or go anywhere with them).  I wasn't the most comfortable, but C (who would not have liked this situation) was still in the bathroom, I was determined to stay positive and have fun, and I recognized that almost every single cisgender woman has had to deal with situations way worse than this their entire lives, so I just tried to have fun and do my own thing...just…near them (they were following me at this point).

Eventually C came back, and when they were confused as to why this couple was dancing with us, I just said "enh, they seem nice." I decided not to actually tell C about what had already occurred, because C would probably want to leave and/or tell this guy off...but I was still trying to stay positive and have fun. Slowly, I noticed the girlfriend of this guy lean over and talk to some women who then whispered a bunch and then told other people and then soon, C and I were surrounded by a number of (cisgender) people, trapping us in the corner by the DJ. At one point, I specifically heard one of the women who had wandered over to us say to her friend "Whoa! If you hadn't told me, I would have had no idea!" as they watched me (from 3 feet away!) and from the bits and pieced more that I picked up, it was clear that they were referring to the fact that I was trans, and not a cisgender girl. Ok, on one level, when someone tells me that they would have had no idea that I wasn't a cis woman, it feels really nice. I have spent a lot of time and energy thinking about how I present, and it is nice to know that I can be a good chameleon sometimes, haha. But on another level, I was quite angry. This guy told his girlfriend who told other girls who told these girls (all of which probably told other people) that I (and probably C) was transgender. Now truthfully, I am not at ALL ashamed of being trans, but just because you aren't ashamed of being trans doesn't mean you want your personal identity to be spread randomly around a bar...particularly because the only reason it did spread was because we were the only trans people there and therefore (apparently) warranted attention from everyone at the bar. Also, in another sense, what really happened was that I was asked about what (rather than who) I was...and then the knowledge of my genital type was spread from person to person at that bar. How would you like a few dozen (mainly douche-y) strangers considering your genitals?

During this time, the "Are you drag" guy kept trying to get me to take pictures with him and his girlfriend. I did it. It wasn't worth the bother to argue and overall, he was trying to be friendly...no matter how misguided his attempts were. He then started following the professional photographer around, trying to get him to take pictures of me, possibly C, and possibly himself and his girlfriend. At one point, he must have spent 10 minutes in the corner trying to convince photographer. Eventually, the “drag” guy wandered back over and (slightly jokingly) said to me "He doesn't think you are pretty enough…so you should go over there and ask him yourself." In the moment, I didn’t really think about how fucked up that statement was (seriously, even as a joke!), so I just said "No. I don't want to." Over the next few songs, the drag guy kept pushing me to do it, but I of course never did. Judging by the distasteful looks C and I had started getting from the photographer as drag guy spoke with him, it is pretty likely that he was a bit transphobic and didn't want the two of us (who happened to be the best dressed for the event) to be featured on the website. Admittedly, I am totally reading into it, but it seems like the most likely of my hypotheses.

We got further trapped in the corner and when I ran out of beer (because I chugged it really quickly to make an excuse), I asked C if they wanted to go with me to get another. After we did that, we found a new spot in the exact opposite corner and danced by ourselves for a while. It took all of two minutes for half of the bar to be watching us again. And it took about another 30 seconds for that guy (and later his girlfriend) to follow us. We did everything we could to show disinterest and eventually they left us alone, but the joy of this event was followed by the realization that we were still somehow the center of attention of the bar. We decided it just wasn't worth it, got our jackets, and left. C was just fuming about the whole thing and I was just trying to comprehend what the hell just happened..

I would like to end with a few concluding thoughts...First, I am well aware that none (or few) of these people meant any harm whatsoever. But C and I seriously just went to a bar to have a drink and dance to some 80's music. We stood in the corner and kept to ourselves. Yet somehow, by the end of the night, we were the center of attention, and everyone in the room knew (or figured) what genitalia I was born with. Also, if there had been a very transphobic person in the bar, they definitely would have noticed us, not because of us actually looking that out of place, but instead because people had noticed us looking somewhat out of place and spreading throughout the bar. If I want to go out in public and don't end up going with a big group of cis friends, do I have to expect this type of thing to happen regularly for the rest of my life?!?!? If that had gone down in NC, there is a decent chance both of us might have been beat up...if not worse. Again, I am well aware that none of those people meant harm, but that doesn't mean that what they did was ok. Just be aware of that. In a similar situation, please just try to use empathy and imagine what it is like to just want to have fun, but be singled out and/or tokenized because you are a little different.

Second, C and I were the center of attention. In fact, I have a feeling that many of the people there will remember us more than anything or anyone else from that night...But the photographer wouldn't take a picture of us. I think there is a small chance the photographer suspected that we didn't want our pictures taken and tried to respect our wishes. However, judging by the fact that he never asked us (like he did with everyone else there), and the looks he gave me, I doubt that was the case. So...two trans people go to a bar, become the center of attention, and yet were never photographed. When these pictures are posted on the bar website, you will only see cisgender people........This is one of many reasons why people think trans people are so rare and aren't normal people who do the exact same things as everyone else. What's the equivalent of white-washing? "Cis-washing"?

Third, I don't know if you noticed throughout the story, but C and I totally ended up fulfilling gender roles in funny ways. I really just wanted to dance the whole time and have fun, but C mostly wanted to stand in the corner and wait for songs they really liked. And later, I didn't tell C about my interactions with drag guy, because I was afraid they would get angry/frustrated and make a fuss, so I kept it to myself until long after we left. I know it is a small thing to notice, but it made me happy that without any thought, I ended up filling a more traditional feminine role. :-)

Last, I know that I have overanalyzed a few events from this night and have been very sensitive to certain issues (maybe too sensitive...which is an issue I am in the middle of struggling with). But I totally recognize that the same (or a similar) thing could easily have happened to a cisgender woman. I am merely relatively new to certain types of objectification and was extra sensitive to it, because it was the first time I have gone out with another trans person to a place like that. Trans people are only one of many times of people who have to deal with ignorant bullshit like this in public.