B’ing Me (Mostly) Unapologetically

I feel a little silly doing this. I am starting a blog. I’ve never been big into following blogs or anything, but I do enjoy reading various posts from time to time. Some are awesome. Some suck. Some vary. Who knows what people will think of this one, but I just had to do something. For anyone not familiar with me, my name is B. I am 25. I live in Santa Barbara, California, am a grad student, and I study archaeology. I am also a transgender person of some sort. Right now, my best guess is that I am somewhat genderfluid, but tend to lean on the feminine side of the spectrum. I was born male and self-identified as a cisgender (though maybe bisexual) man for many years. Obviously this has changed a bit. And yes, I do plan on changing my body…but that’s a-whole-nother discussion.

I have always been deeply interested in gender (it is unclear to me what link my interest in gender has to do with my own gender, but who cares?). I am even attempting to study gender in prehistory (particularly in Native North American societies from roughly 1000 AD through European contact). However, as I am starting to change how I live my life, I am experiencing so many new situations. Before this point, I had experienced most (if not all) of the experiences shared my most cisgender men…from romance/courting to sex(ual intercourse) to daily interactions fully imbued with unconscious gender roles. But now, I am starting to experience things as a transgender person, as a woman, and as a queer man (I identify as pansexual, but when I present more masculine, many people just assume I am gay). It is crazy how much I’ve noticed. Some of it is hilarious (the differing qualities of Men and Womens restrooms at my favorite bar), some of it is interesting (subtle differences in body language…how do you sit? When do you make eye contact?) and some of it is thoroughly depressing (how anyone even vaguely feminine [yes, including me] gets hit on, sometimes gets harassed, and could even end up being an unwilling participant in a sexual encounter [i.e. rape] almost every time they go to a bar).

 All of these new experiences have given my interest in gender an entire new depth and have given me a somewhat unique/rare perspective that some people can’t even comprehend. Every day, I feel like exploding, wanting to tell all of my friends all of my observations. I feel like, for the first time in my life, I actually have a perspective worth hearing…I in no way believe that a white, straight, cisgender man can’t have a meaningful perspective…but I don’t think that I really did. However, by this point, most of my friends are probably sick of hearing my stream of consciousness, so a blog seemed like a decent alternative.

My worldview has changed dramatically over the past year and I am way more open and honest than I ever was before. I have sex. I have had sex with both men and women. I am not going to pretend I didn’t and I am definitely not going to ignore the fact that sex can play a huge part in gendered interactions. For this reason, I fully plan to talk about my experiences, though right now, I can’t see a reason to get too graphic. However, if you are someone who doesn’t want to think about me having sex (maybe a more conservative family member…or maybe a homophobe or transphobe), I would just stay away from this blog. I will apologize for many things. But I won’t apologize for being human, being sexual, or being me.

I hope you enjoy these posts. I’ll do my best to keep them interesting and/or relevant. While there are certain topics that are a bit rude to ask about, I really am an open book. If you have any questions, just ask me! In case anyone reading this isn’t friends with me on facebook, I am including my coming-out letter to all of my facebook friends. I am also attaching two pictures. The first is a picture of me from a few years ago and the second is when I present feminine. I work on myself and my appearance almost every single day, so these should just be viewed as a snapshot of a process, not any sort of finished product (though are any of us ever done figuring ourselves out? Fuck, I hope not.)

Dear friends, family, colleagues, and other people who are for some reason or another facebook friends with me,

This wasn't how I was planning on doing this, but Leelah Alcorn's recent call for better gender education has inspired me to stop hiding myself from people, particularly my friends and family that I have yet to come out to...

Around June of this past year, I finally admitted to myself (and others) that I cannot fit within the traditional male/masculine gender role. I don't want to be the head of my family. I want to be an equal in any romantic relationship I have. I don't want to pretend to be strong at times when I know I'm not. I don't want to hide that I am sensitive and caring and would rather attend a typical girls night than a typical guys night. While I LOVE the spirit of sports, I have no desire to learn the ins and out of players, stats, teams, etc. and I am sick of pretending otherwise. I'd rather do, well, anything else I enjoy. I'm sick of guy-fashion. There IS guy fashion that I like...but I also love plenty of women's fashion, way more than a "man" should. I'm sick of pretending that I don't care how I look, when deep down, I desperately do. I'm sick of fearing that someone will give me shit for being feminine. What's wrong with being feminine? Some of the most amazing people in my life are feminine. I'm sick of seeing others be criticized or persecuted for rejecting gender roles and sitting there is silence, wishing I was that brave. I am sick of being lumped with a group of people, many (though NO, not all!!!!!) of which are overflowing with privilege that they can't even recognize. I'm sick of having a secret side that I am too ashamed to tell ANYONE about (other than three of the most important women at various points in my life). I'm sick of having a million insights into gender because I don't fit into a typical gender, but being afraid to tell anyone, because they might figure out that something is different about me. I'm sick of women (who I don't know) being afraid of me (for good reason) for my gender and my potential to hurt them. I'm sick of people assuming that I am (only) attracted to men when I choose to be even slightly feminine, even though how I present doesn't have a single fucking thing to do with my sexual preference; Seriously, given our society's modernity (or even post-modernism), why the hell is it so difficult for people to separate gender from sexual preference? I'm sick of seeing men who ARE sensitive, but can't show it. I am even more sick of men who don't recognize how incredibly sexist they are, because they are taught that their actions are acceptable. I am sick of women being treated poorly because they are born with a certain type of reproductive organ. I am even MORE sick that many young women are brought up being taught that they should fully expect and accept this treatment. I am so sick of oppressive or repressive gender roles being unconsciously filled by almost every single member of society, even those I consider to be some of the most intelligent, caring, and just people I know. I'm sick of silently participating in this system myself and only voicing my dissent to the most gender-conscious people around me. I am sick of gender. And I sick of being a man. I'm not a man.

I am some sort of transgender person. I don't necessarily think I will ever fully fit a traditional female gender role, but I am pretty sure that who I am on the inside is much closer to being a woman than to being a man. At various points in the recent past, I have identified as bigendered, genderfluid, genderqueer, and a transgender (transsexual) girl (I don't like calling myself a woman, because I haven't yet had all of the shared experiences that make a woman [I've been reading Simone de Beauvoir, haha]). If you need help with any of those terms, consider consulting http://www.glaad.org/reference/transgender. Anyways...I am still figuring it all out and it will probably take quite a bit of time before I can confidently tell anyone what I am for sure. My tentative plan is to spend the spring quarter and then summer living up in the bay (San Francisco) area to find myself. And hopefully in fall of 2015, I can give everyone a much better explanation. On the other hand though, fuck labels. As Kate Bornstein (a prolific transgender author) has pointed out, there are probably just as many different gender experiences as there are people. We can lump and split people into terms, but those terms will never completely describe reality.

Realistically, I probably don't naturally fit into a man or woman gender role, but lie somewhere in-between. However, as Bornstein has perfectly described "I love the idea of being without an identity, it gives me a lot of room to play around; but it makes me dizzy, having nowhere to hang my hat. When I get too tired of not having an identity, I take one on: it doesn't really matter what identity I take on, as long as it is recognizable." And as long as society stigmatizes or persecutes people who don't fit into the gender binary, I do feel a very important need to be able to present as one gender or another (even if I don't feel that way inside). Between the two recognized genders, I do feel like I am a lot closer to the feminine side, so I actually plan to start transitioning my body this winter.

Because I don't really identify as a man or woman right now, the concepts of "gay" or "straight" are pretty damn meaningless. I have found that I can be physically/sexually attracted to people of any gender and for that reason tend to identify as pansexual (which is similar to bisexual). However, I have also found that I am still exclusively emotionally/romantically attracted to women, or other feminine people (which contrary to popular belief is actually more common for trans-women than an attraction to men). All that being said, I feel like my sexual preference is the absolute tiniest piece of my identity.

I would like to be called masculine or feminine pronouns (he/she, him/her, or in writing, “s/he”), but I actually don’t care which (and feel free to switch back and forth if you like). I do NOT like “it” or other gender neutral pronouns (like “Xe” or “hir”), at least not now. I have no problem if you refer to me (in the singular) with plural pronouns (they/them), but if you do in front of me, I may give you a strange look because the grammar is jarring to me, haha

I am still figuring out my name for the long run. For right now, I still am fine with Brian. But (particularly because it is weird to call a girl “Brian”), I also really like to be called just “B” (or “BG,” Geiger, [or Geigs or Giggler for my high school and college friends). Feel free to call me what you like, but if you remember and you like B or BG, consider using them! But if you forget or don’t like them, I am totally fine with Brian.

I have thought long and hard about what to tell people about how to not be offensive and how to help me in this difficult transition (if they would like to). There are actually a number of issues. Many of the broader ones which apply to all trans-people are addressed very well online, particularly on sites like the one linked to above (or just Google "Transgender issues" or "How to treat a transgender person" or "How to help a transgender friend"). However, my two big pieces of advice are relatively simple. First, treat me like you would any cisgender person and treat me like you always have. Many things are changing for me, but the core of who I am has stayed the same. By FAR, my best interactions in the past few months have been with friends who don’t treat me any differently than before and who don’t really seem to care about what I am wearing, but do care about who I am. My second piece of advice is that if you are unsure of how to interact with me, ask me! If it is a sensitive question, please ask it in private and with some sensitivity, but it is much easier for you to ask than try to intuitively figure out what to do. Also, if anyone is interested in reading more about the construction of gender and the experience of a trans-person, my favorite that book I have read so far is Kate Bornstein's "Gender Outlaw" (hence why I've referenced it twice). I can also very happily point people towards other websites and books if they have any further interest!

If you have any problem with any of this or cannot accept me for who I am, please just unfriend me. Honestly, it would be quite nice to get the remaining ignorant transphobic, homophobic, and misogynistic dribble off of my wall, haha. If you have no problem accepting me at all and are curious to understand a little more about me, I actually have another facebook profile. Feel free to friend me. It has pictures of me presenting as a girl. I used the name "Bee" because apparently facebook is not ok with one letter as a name (which makes zero sense to me given what other people can use as names).

Thank you for actually reading to the end of this. Feel free to spread it to others. All I ask is that you keep a tiny bit of nuance in what you say. i.e. PLEASE don't say "Hey, did you hear Brian Geiger is a tranny?!" to anyone. Also, please don't ever use the terms "tranny" or "shemale" in my presence (or ever, haha).

I think that is about it. For those of you who are new to all of this, I am so sorry I didn't come out to you personally! The whole coming out thing is just so exhausting. I particularly want to say to all of my Tulane friends and extended family, I love you and miss you all deeply! I hope I can see you soon! Please feel free to ask me any questions. I hope everyone's holidays are going amazingly!
Love,
-B