Probably NSFW or conservative relatives
I spend a lot of time thinking about Love. As I write that, I realize that either everyone else does too or I totally just sound like an angsty teenager. But enh, I am going through a whole new puberty and self-rediscovery...I think I should get to indulge some of my immature guilty pleasures. But anyways, it used to be so simple. I liked girls. I was physically attracted to them. I enjoyed being around them. And I fell in "love" (infatuation) at the drop of a hat. I was not at all intellectually/emotionally attracted to men (as more than friends) and it was therefore pretty darn easy to suppress any physical attractions I had to men.
But since coming out, I've seen zero reason not to explore that attraction. Therefore I've tried. I've done a decent amount of experimenting with men. Admittedly, (as a trans girl), I am dealing with a very limited sample, but...I am just not attracted to men. Period. Oh I am attracted to males, but I am so un-attracted to cultural men and masculinity. Once, a guy took me on a date. He was pretty explicit up front that he hoped we'd sleep together later in the night, and while that did throw me off a little, it didn't matter, because I found him super physically attractive. The bar we were at kind of sucked so we went back to his place. He seemed really smart and while I had a handful of bad feelings, he was attractive enough (and I hadn't been with anyone for a while) that all he had to do was kiss me and there would no longer be any question. But instead, he decided to try to show off his knowledge of things like music composition (never having asked much about my life he had no idea that I had a degree in it) and then proceed to criticize my whole life-plan on this horrible premise that the only reasonable goal in life is to get money and stuff. Ugh. I was well, ready to go, when I stepped into that house. Then he decided to talk, I think to impress me, and I was incredibly turned-off. Because I am in this exploratory phase, I tend to actually push through a little turn-off, because sometimes the most awesome experiences lay just outside of your current comfort zone. But in his case, I just couldn't. I almost felt nauseated at the thought of sleeping with him. OH and it didn't help that he had laid along the top of his L-shaped couch, reclining like a Roman Emperor, with his feet (and groin) towards me and his head away from me. Anyways, this is pretty typical of my experiences with guys. So I began to realize, physically, I can be attracted to humans of any sex or gender. My attraction to males merely means that they are human. It doesn't mean it's necessarily something worth spending my time and effort on.
Ok, so those were the last musings on attraction I'd had through yesterday. Well, last night, I met this awesome genderqueer person. She presents pretty masculine, but she just seems so incredibly cute to me. We talked for a couple hours and sat on the beach in Summerland (it was entirely dark). I was enjoying talking to her so much that I was actually trying not too think of how attracted I was to her (particularly intellectually), because I knew that once I did, I would psych myself and ruin an opportunity for an awesome friendship with a queer person in SB. Eventually, it got late (and she had to work in the morning) and when we were about to leave, I panicked and just quickly went into for a kiss on the lips. She, surprised, then smiled and thanked me, because she never knows how/when/if she should make a move. Upon her saying that, I had to kiss her again because I have dealt with that exact same issue my whole life and honestly have ruined multiple dating opportunities because I never went for it, haha. Anyways, we made out for a little and I felt that fluttering feeling in my heart/stomach that I haven't felt for years. I have felt it with people who I didn't fall in love with, but the last time I felt it was with the last girl I was in love with. And holy crap, she just kisses 500% better than any man I have kissed. I felt like I was 18. It felt so great and uplifting after a lot of crap in my life.
But of course this happens. I only ever find someone who I immediately click with when I'm at an uber inconvenient place in my life when I have already 100% given up on meeting someone (particularly before any life change). In this case, I am moving up to Oakland this month! And I sure as hell had zero plans to have a crush on an awesome person back down in Santa Barbara. Am I just seeing patterns where there are none? Even though I stop seeking out love, and I actually more open to it during these times? Or is there some cruel ironic joke that you can only meet certain people at the worst possible times? Am I just more willing/able to see the awesome qualities of a person during certain times in my life? Do I just tend to sabotage my own life? Idk, but all this definitely makes me think twice about actively trying to seek out a soulmate ever again, haha
Of course, this is all daydreaming. I really enjoyed spending time with her, but I am a long way away from really knowing her or anything remotely resembling love. It's just that that flutter in my heart really had a drug-like effect on me.
So I guess that's my last conclusion...I have had that feeling while kissing maybe 5 girls/women, but I have never had anything close to that with a guy. It's probably my personal sexual attraction, but I also feel like men are just worse kissers, haha
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